A Household Word Archive

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Smile your way through Carol Band's humorous take on modern family life.

If Carol's columns make you laugh, you'll also love her blog HOUSEHOLD WORDS

Shop.mom (March 2011)
I appreciate that being a student means living frugally. I know that there are hardships to be endured, like having to go to Jamaica on spring break instead of over Christmas because the flights are cheaper, you want your tan to last until summer and you don’t want to miss getting presents.

FAFSA vs. Marriage (February 2011)
My husband and I are contemplating divorce. Our marriage isn’t on the rocks, but a quick trip to Guam (the new capital for marriage dissolution) may be the only way we can pay for our son’s college education.

Mom and Pop-ular (January 2011)
I want to be the cool mom, the one that all the kids like. I want to be popular, maybe because I wasn’t one of the popular kids in high school. How pathetic is that? Am I really trying to achieve the homecoming-queen status that eluded me 30 years ago?

The Season of Miracles (December 2010)
I went to Walgreens to pick up our family’s holiday photos, looked at them and realized that: (1) we forgot to include the dog; (2) my son needs a haircut; and (3) either my neighbor, who took the photo, is seeking revenge for the time I spilled red wine on her couch, or I need to buy a more serious wrinkle cream.

Coming to a Campus Near You (November 2010)
“I’m bringing my iPod,” my son Lewis warns me as he gets into the car. This is his way of saying that although he has agreed to come on an overnight road trip to visit colleges, that doesn’t mean that we’re going to bond or have precious Kodak moments or even speak to each other.

The Voice of Experience (October 2010)
I don’t really know this woman, but I do know that as a first-time mom, she’s probably really tired and feeling totally overwhelmed. I remember feeling like that, too. And I must have looked as out of control as I felt because it seemed like everyone had helpful advice about how to raise a baby.

Fall into the Gap Year (September 2010)
But, now that I have a son who, as his guidance counselor so tactfully phrased it, “is not motivated by grades,” I know that a gap year is when kids don’t go straight to college after high school, but take an extra year to figure things out, to mature and to pad their college resumes with life experiences that will cause any Dean of Admissions to overlook a mediocre academic record and say, “Hey, this kid bungee jumped in New Zealand!

Sticker Shock (June 2010)
I am stuck in rush-hour traffic. The car in front of me is a 2010 Volvo with a “Brown University” sticker on the back windshield. I don’t know these people, but that sticker speaks volumes. It says, “Ha! My kid is in an Ivy League school. I am a fabulous parent with superior genes that I have passed on to a member of the Class of 2014.”.

Driven to Distraction (May 2010)
As the mother of a 16-year-old who is itching to get his driver’s license, I am naturally concerned about his safety. Just thinking that this kid – whose idea of fun is skateboarding down cement stairs – will be allowed to operate a motor vehicle is disconcerting.

Lessons from the Express Lane (April 2010)
Learning to make small talk is a big deal. It’s good training for college interviews, job interviews and cocktail parties. Heck, it’s good training for life. Being able to talk to all kinds of people about all kinds of things – from how to cook Swiss chard to the merits of reusable shopping bags – is a valuable skill. So is splicing DNA, but it doesn’t go over very well at cocktail parties.

Number, Please (March 2010)
While the majority of my brain cells are devoted to theme songs from ’70s sitcoms and commercial jingles, the portion of gray matter that’s not crammed with The Brady Bunch and Oscar Mayer baloney is dedicated to storing information about my kids. Lots of information.

Your Baby Can Drool (February 2010)
I’m kind of fascinated by infomercials for products that promise to teach your baby to read. You know, the ones where a 2-year-old reads the sentence, “I love learning about polygons like quadrilaterals.” It’s kind of impressive, but it’s also a little creepy.... It’s not natural. Plus, watching those infants read makes me feel as if my own kids might not be so smart. Heck, it makes me feel as if I might not be so smart.

She Scores (January 2010)
My son Lewis is preparing to take the SATs. Well, he’s preparing if you count cramming his face full of frozen pizza and sleeping until 11:45 a.m. on the weekends as test prep. It’s more like his father and I are getting ready for him to take the SATs.

Confessions of a Gerbil Killer (December 2009)
I killed the gerbils. OK, it was an accident – kind of. I never wanted gerbils. They are rodents and voluntarily bringing them into your home just seems wrong. But our neighbors had gerbils, which begat more gerbils and, out of neighborly generosity, they began a campaign to give the critters away.“Hey! Do you want to come for dinner Friday night? Yeah, bring a salad and take home a gerbil!”

One More Cup of Coffee (November 2009)
“A morning without coffee is like … withdrawal." “Mom, you are a drug addict,” my son Lewis shouts over the whirr of the coffee grinder. I grind coffee beans every morning. “Caffeine is a drug,” he continues. “We learned that in health class.” “Aren’t you supposed to be learning about sex?” I snap.

Time Out (October 2009)
Kids don’t like time outs. In fact, they don’t like many of the things that adults think sound pretty terrific. ...For a kid, a 15-minute time out is practically a life sentence. For an adult, it’s not a punishment – it’s the chance to take a quick nap.

The Boy Who Cried 'Mom!' (Sept. 2009)
If I had a nickel for every time my son Lewis has called “Mom!” from his bedroom, the back yard or the other side of the bathroom door, I wouldn’t care that the economy is in the toilet. Because I’d have plenty of nickels....

The GPS (August 2009)
Wouldn’t it be great if when your child was born, you could punch in a destination – say, Harvard University – and a Parent Positioning System (PPS) would help you get your kid there?

Sew What! (July 2009)
"I can’t sew. I can’t knit, crochet or quilt either. Good thing I wasn’t born 200 years ago ... If George Washington came to me and said, “Betsy is busy and I need a flag,” I would have handed him a dish towel. “Run that up your pole, George,” I would have told him.

Here’s the Drill (June 2009)
"I hate going to the dentist. In fact, I avoid it whenever possible. ... That’s why I’ve taken (ahem …) pains to make sure that my own phobias aren’t transmitted to my children..."

Lunch with a Facebook Friend (May 2009)
Carol meets a a Facebook friend – someone who popped up on her laptop some 20-odd years after college...

The Business Trip (April 2009)
Carol extols the benefits of being home alone .

The Continuing Adventures of Bad Mommy (March 2009)
The "injury": is it real? is he faking? How's a mommy to know?

Out of (Birth) Order (February 2009)
The distinct advantage of being child #3: His mother is tired.

Television Isn’t Black and White (January 2009)
For Christmas, I bought a television for the kitchen ...just a little 13-inch set that fits on the counter right. I know, I know – a television in the kitchen will lead to watching television during dinner, which will lead to the destruction of our family life . That’s why I’ve made some rules.

Don't Sing, Mom! (December 2008)
"...what really compels me [to go to services] on Christmas Eve (even when there are still presents to wrap, stockings to stuff and a sink load of dirty dishes waiting at home) are the Christmas carols. I love to sing and the Christmas Eve service is a time when I can really let loose and make a joyful noise. It drives my teenagers crazy..."

Cyberella (November 2008)
"Most of the time, I work at home with the usual distractions of the phone, the kids, the dog and the knowledge that there is Ben and Jerry’s in the fridge....Today, I decided to take my laptop and work at the Diesel Café, a coffee shop near a local college..."

Dream House? Dream On! (October 2008)
"It's a Sunday morning ritual, sort of like church only I'm way more devoted. It's the Real Estate section of the Sunday paper and, wrapped in my fleece robe and armed with a yellow highlighter and cup of coffee, I sit at the kitchen table, decipher the listings and circle Open Houses. It drives my husband crazy. ..."

School Year Resolutions (September 2008)
The first day of school really is the start of a new year, so in that celebratory spirit, Carol decided to make a few 'School Year Resolutions.' Find out how it works out for her.

Summer Louder than Others (August 2008)
New baby? No Sleep? Carol's got you beat! "I was up at 2 and 4 ' and at 12:30 and at 3 and at 1. I've got two kids who are home from college and I'm getting less sleep now than I did when they were newborns ' way less. In fact, I'm ready to Ferberize them."

Fantasy Camp (July 2008)
Carol's son is begging to go to Space Camp, but she has some camp fantasies of her own. Check out Carol's thoughts about camps where she would like to send her kids.

The Simple Life This Summer(June 2008)
We just got another whopping electric bill. Turns out, even with Daylight Savings Time, we're not saving enough. Maybe it's because long after the darkness of December, my family continues to celebrate the Festival of Lights. Collecting Dust (May 2008)
Barbies are hot collectibles. Unfortunately, Perry's collection is a heap of naked, natty-haired blondes - all are missing their boxes and a few are even missing their heads...

The Grass is Always Greener (April 2008)
Lawns need to eat, too! Who knew? Carol Band discovers why the grass is always greener next door. Lawns need good parenting, too!

Brace Yourself (March 2008)
In the 24 hours that Carol's son has had braces, he's complained that his teeth hurt, that the braces are cutting the inside of his mouth and that he is in excruciating pain. It's not often you get to lavish so much money on your kid and still come away feeling like an abusive parent.

Throwing in the Towel (February 2008)
Word problem: If you have 28 clean towels and three kids, how long will they last? Carol has the answer.

If You Give a Mouse a Cheez-It (January 2008)
I raced downstairs and found my daughter, Perry, standing on the kitchen table. "MOUSE!" she gasped, pointing to a corner. Sure, my housekeeping standards are what some call "relaxed," and it's true that our obese cat rarely ventures from the couch, but I blame the recent rodent invasion on my kids.

Wii Wish You a Merry Christmas (December 2007)
Every year, my youngest son makes a Christmas list. It's an exercise in greed and it's a chance for him to cling to the possibility that there just might be a Santa.

If We Lived on a Farm (November 2007)
If I could do it all again, I would make my kids do more chores. My son Lewis is at the kitchen table eating Froot Loops and reading the back of the milk carton. It's organic milk, the carton explains, produced by cows whose blissful days on the farm are described like a spa vacation. "Why can't we live on a farm?" Lewis asks with a newfound interest in the agrarian life...

Right from the Gecko (October 2007)
Buying presents for preteens is tough. For my son's 12th birthday, he said he wanted a dirt bike, a cell phone, an Xbox 360 or a gecko.

10,000 Steps in My Shoes (September 2007)
I got a pedometer for Mother's Day and hadn't taken it out of the box. I had planned to walk all summer. Instead I told myself that I was getting plenty of exercise hanging around the shallow end of the town pool yakking with the other moms and eating fudgesicles while the kids went off the high dive. Maybe the water just made me feel lighter. Anyhow - it was too hot to walk.

Two Whole Weeks (August 2007)
For two whole weeks my husband and I will enjoy adult conversation, dinners at restaurants that don't give out crayons with the menu and total control of the car radio.

Play It Again, Mom (July 2007)
My oldest son took up cello in third grade, then guitar, then piano and even dabbled with an electric mandolin. Finally, he decided that what he really wanted to play was video games.

Making Memories? Forget It! (June 2007)
We spent three days tracking Mickey through the Magic Kingdom and when the big photo moment finally arrived, Lewis burst into tears and clung to my leg. How could he not remember?

A Household Word: Chips and Flushes (May 2007)
My husband likes to watch professional poker on television. Not me. Frankly, I think that watching people play cards is about as exciting as watching the shower curtain mildew.

A Household Word: Dinner Is Served (April 2007)
This morning, when the alarm went off, I knew I was already behind schedule. I should have been marinating the meat, chilling the wine and repainting the dining room.

Dirty Socks and Carbon Footprints (March 2007)
I feel good that my family is doing more to help protect our planet. Personally, I think laying off the housework can really make a difference. Global warming is probably the most serious issue affecting our planet. Although I suspect if we all simply stopped driving our kids to soccer, the Earth would plummet into another Ice Age...

Running on Kid Time (February 2007)
If you set your clock to kid time, an hour of TV isn't nearly enough, 9 p.m. is way too early for bed, and Saturday morning, while your parents are still sleeping, is the perfect time to try to cut your own bangs.

Oh-Key, No-Key (January 2007)
"Mooooommmmm ' have you seen the key?" The key in question opens the back door to my neighbors' house. My son, Lewis, is their dog walker. This means that every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday after school, he is expected to feed, walk and (ahem) clean up after their huge, slobbering St. Bernard/shepherd mix. Today is Thursday. It is his third day on the job.

Mom Shoots and Misses (December 2006)
Other parents began to take pity on me and gave me copies of their photos. So, now I have lots of snapshots that feature other people's children - with my kid playing a supporting role.

Hide and Sneak (October 2006)
My kids don't trust me. It's not because I snoop in their rooms, or listen in on their phone conversations or rummage through their backpacks without permission. It's because I mess with their food...

Picture Perfect (September 2006)
I continue to provide fodder for the tabloids. If only they were paying attention!

I Can Wait (August 2006)
Some people complain about waiting. Not me. I like it. Waiting is doing nothing. And I like doing nothing.

Camp Is In-tents (July 2006)
Fear, guilt, and loneliness are just a few of the feeling associated with a child's first overnight, away from home, summer camp experience. And that's only the parents...

Mission Transmission (June 2006)
Why is it that my husband, who claims he can't hear a child wailing in the middle of the night, in the very next room, is able to detect a tiny little sound coming from deep within a car engine?

Mother Day Rocks! (May 2006)
Every Mother's Day I get a rock. I'm not talking about the kind that's weighed in carats or set in sterling silver. I'm talking about the ordinary, igneous or sedimentary garden-variety rock.

Opposites Attract (April 2006)
Opposites not only attract, they often get married. Maybe it's nature's way of strengthening the gene pool. My husband and I are opposites... He likes Pulp Fiction, I like Pride and Prejudice. He always has his cell phone, I can never find mine...

My Sink Runneth Over (March 2006)
My husband views our quarter acre of suburbia as a battleground. It's us against the crabgrass, the neighbors and the appliances. Today, he meets the enemy head-on with a can of Drano and a coat hanger.

Do the Math (February 2006)
Last night, my son Lewis asked me to help him with his math homework. He is in the sixth grade. So, naturally, I was stumped.

Mom Jeans (January 2006)
If you're like me, and still think that thongs are footwear, you probably don't wear low-rise jeans. You probably wear Mom Jeans. And, if you're like me, they make you look fat. That's what my teenage daughter says. She says that my faded jeans, the ones that button at the waist and taper at the ankle, are really unflattering. She says that hip-hugging, dark-rinsed, flared jeans are more slimming. Like anyone who weighs 103 pounds would know.

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