Back in the old days, kids ran around the neighborhood. As long as they got back in time for dinner, moms were happy they were out of the house.

Times change.  Today in Silicon Valley and most everywhere, unstructured neighborhood play is rare. 

Margaret Myers of Palo Alto, mother of a 5-year-old girl and a 10-year-old boy, knows that play dates are important for kids to develop social skills and friendships. But she often wishes she didn’t have to arrange them. “It would be nice to live in a neighborhood where kids can just drop by,” she says. “But I don’t know that our modern life is structured that way.” 

There’s no getting around it – play dates are here to stay. So we’ve spoken with parents and educators to help sort out the issues.  

Should both parents stay during the play date?

Stephanie Agnew, parent education coordinator for Parents Place in San Mateo, says no. 

“I would come in and help them get settled and then say goodbye,” she suggests. Exceptions are if a child is having separation issues or if it’s the first time at a new friend’s house. 

For the visiting parent, it’s also nice to have a look around and take the time to chat with the host about what the kids will be doing. But it’s not the time to go over safety issues. Try to address concerns about guns in the home, pools, pets, and play equipment in advance by phone (see sidebar). If you’re not comfortable with the answers, suggest scheduling the play date at a park. 

Before you leave, make sure you mention food allergies, potty training issues, and anything else that might come up. Most importantly, leave a number where you can be reached.

How do you handle bad behavior? Is it OK to discipline someone else’s child?

According to Agnew, when another child is in your house, “you’re in charge.” To prevent problems, make sure you explain the rules of the house and the consequences for violating those rules.

What if the child ignores that message? Can you give a time-out to a child you hardly know?

Agnew says she’d avoid it. The kids may simply need a break from each other. It may be time for a snack or a quiet activity. It also could mean it’s time to end the play date – especially if it’s been longer than an hour for little kids or two hours for older kids.  

Do you tell the mom if her kid behaved badly? 

This is a tricky one because you don’t want to come down too hard on a friend’s child. After all, play dates are difficult for little ones – all that sharing and turn-taking requires a set of skills still in the developmental stage. For young kids, a little whining or fighting is normal. But truly egregious behavior – physical violence, destruction of household objects – should be mentioned, as should anything out of the ordinary. 

Agnew suggests saying in a friendly, nonconfrontational tone something like: “Boy, we really had a hard time today.” Or you could try: “He didn’t seem himself today” or “They didn’t get along quite as well as they normally do” to get your message across without seeming too critical. 

In general, parents appreciate hearing how things went, and most would certainly want to know if their kid was causing trouble. Just be sure you’re not making a mountain out of a molehill.

What if the kids refuse to clean up?

Okay, they’ve had two hours of fun with every toy in the house. Then it’s pickup time, and the place is a mess. Do you let it slide? 

Experts say the best way to handle clean-up time is to tell the kids the house rules ahead of time – and then remind them during the play date. Wait until half an hour before the end of the play date, then use the remaining time for a snack or outside play – both of which can also be used as an incentive to clean up quickly!

To make the task more enjoyable, put on some fun music and “race” to get everything in the baskets before the timer goes off. Whatever you do, try not to let the kids off the hook by having the parents handle all the pickup.

What if your child’s friend doesn’t like the snack you’ve served? 

This is a common problem. Kids don’t like “that kind of cheese,” or “that color cup,” or refuse all seven snack choices you’ve offered. To keep a picky eater in check, experts suggest offering two to three choices and a drink. Otherwise, you’ll make yourself crazy trying to please the child, and it could be that this crafty youngster is secretly waiting to see if you’ll eventually bring out the junk food, which is generally to be avoided on a play date.

Is it OK if a parent drops off a sibling too?

Except in the case of a dire emergency, this is off the table! And here’s why: Play dates with three kids are just plain tough. A sibling changes the dynamics. Siblings who are buddies may end up playing with each other and leave your child out, while those that fight will add a whole new degree of difficulty to your hosting responsibilities. 

So if the friend calls ahead to ask if it’s OK to drop off both, feel free to say no. Suggest that you reschedule for a different day. Or, if you don’t want to cancel things altogether, ask if you could all meet at the park (with both moms staying) so that you can always leave if the three-kid dynamic doesn’t work out.

Melanie Norall is a former associate editor at Bay Area Parent and the mother of a very social 5-year-old girl. Jackie Cook is a Palo Alto–based freelance writer and the mother of four equally social boys, ages 5 to 10.

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When You’re the Host: A Few Planning Guidelines

• Keep it short – no more than an hour for younger kids and two hours for older kids.

• Invite just one friend. For older kids, big groups can be fun but may require advance planning.

• For first visits, invite the parent to stay. For older kids or longtime friends, a drop-off is OK.

• Inquire about food allergies or sensitivities in advance. Make sure you discuss any safety issues with the other parent before the play date. Such items could be swimming pools, dogs, trampolines, and the presence of guns in the house. Talk about these concerns before the play date so that when the child is dropped off, there are no surprises that make the mom uncomfortable with leaving her child at your house. 

• Establish ground rules ahead of time. For some, this means no TV/video games, no screaming, no jumping on furniture, no running around with food, no shoes in the house, no playing in parents’/siblings’ rooms, etc.  Rules vary from house to house; be consistent about yours. And don’t forget to mention cleaning up.

• Set out and organize toys ahead of time and have a few suggestions for activities to get them started. Don’t entertain, but help get things going and stay near the play area. 

• Show the child where the bathroom is; and for younger kids, make sure to give potty reminders during the play date.

• Have healthy snacks ready to go (two to three choices is just fine – you’re not a short-order cook).

• Put away any prized possessions ahead of time so sharing them doesn’t become an issue.

• Let the kids resolve their own conflicts; if things escalate, then you should step in.

• Ask the visiting parent to be prompt about drop-off/pickup times and make sure he or she leaves a phone number. To avoid having siblings rush into the house at pickup time (and extend the play date), walk the child to his or her parent (which also may help end the play date more smoothly). 

• Give a 10-minute warning before the play date ends, then send them off with a sticker, their artwork, or a snack to help ease the transition.

• If you’re driving the friend home, make sure you have an extra car seat for the child.