It’s a phrase dreaded by parents everywhere – “But all of my friends are doing it!” And while the old standby – “If all of your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?” – can be an effective reply, the original plea is still a jolting reminder of the powerful influences that your children’s friendships carry.

This is usually not a problem when the buddies in question are mellow, respectful do-gooders whom you adore. If only that was always the case.

“Unfortunately, the kids who receive attention from adults and attract their peers are often the ones who don’t follow the rules,” says Nina Senatore, a professor of education at Simmons College in Boston.

What do you do when your child chooses a friend whose actions and behavior clashes with your family’s rules and values? Focus on the behavior, not the friendship, child development experts say. And tailor your approach to your child’s age.

The Early Years

Kindergarten marks many firsts for children, often including their first meaningful friendship. While these relationships are usually innocent, undesirable behavior can result. “Research has shown that children as young as 4 years old can be influenced by a friend to behave in a challenging way and to use bad language,” says Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer, author of Making Friends: A Guide to Understanding and Nurturing Your Child’s Friendships (Da Capo Lifelong Books, 2009).

Kindergarteners are often attracted to more aggressive and hyper peers because they seem exciting. And while this “exciting” friendship might be unappealing to you as the parent and playdate supervisor, don’t immediately discourage the relationship. Instead, provide the best circumstances for it. Hartley-Brewer recommends alternating playdates between a physically energetic option and a clearly focused activity so that children become too absorbed and busy to make mischief.

“The hyper behavior won’t last long after the dynamo has gone home,” she says. “Your child will soon revert to being calm if you set the right mood and remain calm yourself. Children learn so much about people from their friendships that it’s better to have a slightly wild friend than none at all.”

Grade-school Buddies

As children progress through elementary school, they tend to test social boundaries, making friendships a trickier area for parents.

“Most grade-school kids go through phases of being rude, direct or too clever,” Hartley-Brewer says. “They need to, in order to find out how it feels to step over the line and how, then, to pull back. They often talk like this to each other at school and have to learn not to do it to adults or elsewhere.”

When you witness questionable banter between your child and a friend, it’s tempting to interrupt the situation. Take a step back, advises Anthony Rao, Ph.D., a behavioral psychologist at Harvard Medical School and in private practice, and co-author of The Way of Boys: Raising Healthy Boys in a Challenging and Complex World.

“We do like to intercede in children’s behavior – but try to let interactions unfold in a natural way,” he says. “If there are negative elements in their behavior, it’s a matter of learning how they will react to negative situations. There’s a lot to learn in social interactions, good or bad.”

If you decide that the negative social interactions are becoming too frequent or if you witness troublesome behavior that you feel is simply too serious to ignore, try to address the problem with your child in a non-confrontational way. “When a friend has shocked or upset you, try not to put them down to your child,” Hartley-Brewer says. “At this age, given that friends are so personal, if you criticize a friend, in effect you criticize your child, who may then side with the mate rather than you. Instead, focus clearly on the behavior.”

Explain why the behavior in question is unacceptable and how it contradicts the values of your family. But be prepared to let your child do some of the talking, as it can be an opportunity for her to use her own reasoning skills. Rao recommends phrasing questions in the third person to keep things more neutral. For example, if you’ve witnessed your child’s friend bullying other children, you could ask, “What do other kids think about what he did?” or “How did this behavior make someone feel?”

If a friendship has negatively affected school behavior, Senatore recommends asking your child what her teacher expects in the classroom. “You’re talking about being a positive member of the community and not discounting a specific friend,” she says. “It’s not about Jennie being bad, but rather how she can contribute to the class.”

Teen Peers and Cliques

During middle and high school, the situation is even more about getting to know your child’s friends than about controlling who those friends are. “The ear to the peer group is stronger most times,” Rao says. “If you tell your children they can’t have a certain friend, it will absolutely seal the deal for them to like that child more.”

In an “offense is the best defense” approach, parents should try to make their home a comfortable and welcoming place for spending time with friends. “Your child’s friends should have lots of face time [in your home],” Rao says. “Your children will feel like there’s nothing to hide. They are also less likely to get into trouble when these situations are created.”

By providing a positive environment for your child and his friends, you’re also making yourself an understanding and reliable presence in their lives. “Typically, adolescents who make good choices cite adults in their lives as good role models,” Senatore says.

The outright banning of specific friends at the middle- and high-school level should be a last resort and reserved for serious issues that are severely compromising your child’s safety and morals. “It can be a mine field,” Rao warns about stepping in. “They’re not going to give up friends easily at this age.” 

If, however, it becomes necessary, use a sympathetic approach. For example, if the friend in question has been caught drinking, Rao recommends exploring the issue with questions such as, “It’s sad that John got caught drinking, because he’s a good person. How did he get into this situation? How can you avoid getting into a similar situation?”

With this approach, you are not attacking the friend, but having a conversation in which your child has an opportunity to figure out why this person shouldn’t be part of his life. Have this talk before you let your emotions nervously dictate a friendship ban. “Fear and anxiety often interfere with good parenting,” Rao says. “You have to keep your fear in check.”

You may find that just talking about these serious issues with your teen results in his spending less time with the troublesome peer.

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Resources

Making Friends: A Guide to Understanding and Nurturing Your Child’s Friendships, by Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer. Da Capo Lifelong Books, 2009. Explores typical experiences in pre-adolescent friendships and offers advice for parents on adapting, guiding and supporting children effectively.

The Way of Boys: Raising Healthy Boys in a Challenging and Complex World, by Anthony Rao, Ph.D., and Michelle Seaton. William Morrow, 2009. Suggests strategies and patience as parental antidotes for energetic, seemingly “brash” young boys. Rao points to frequent misdiagnoses of boys as suffering from ADHD or other disorders, when often their behavior is temporary and addressable.