Q: I often rely on my 16-year-old daughter to watch her 10-year-old brother after school. She complains that he doesn’t listen to her; he complains that she bosses him around. How do I negotiate a peace settlement?

Tony Malinda, M.A., MFT, answers …

How great to have a built-in baby sitter, but it would be even greater if the situation were more peaceful while you were gone. At this point it sounds like a typical “vicious cycle” or “negative feedback loop” that many relationships get caught up in. “I am bossy because you don’t listen!” “Oh yeah, well, I don’t listen because your are bossy!” These situations are desperate for compromise; therefore each party needs to give a little bit in order for this process to end.

You can negotiate a peace settlement by sitting down with the two of them and asking:

1. What do you guys need from each other to make this situation work out (specifically)?

2. What has happened in the past that you didn’t like (specifically)?

3. What are you willing to do differently (specifically)?

4. What do you need from me/us to make this work better?

Not knowing your daughter’s personality, it is difficult to give specific advice, but I do know that power is a tricky thing, so approach her according to how you think she handles it. Does she enjoy playing “mom” or would she rather not have the responsibility? Try not to set them up for failure by giving them too many directives while you are gone. Keep it to a minimum by expecting the basics. Your son knows what is expected of him during a given time and your daughter should not need to nag him about it. Remind, yes. Nag, no.

Let them know how much you appreciate their cooperation and how much it means to you when they get along well. Let them know that they are being helpful by not causing you grief upon your return.

A little reward for their cooperation would provide additional incentive.

Good Luck.

“Power to the parents!”