Do you remember what dating was like before you had kids? Perhaps you prepared for hours, trying on a dozen outfits, flat-ironing your hair to perfection and engaging in imaginary conversations with the person who could possibly turn out to be “the one.”

Now imagine being a single parent on a date. Did you even have time to shower? Is this guy really worth the $20 an hour in babysitter fees? But more than anything, on your dinner date, can you manage to not pass out in your rigatoni from sheer exhaustion?

No one doubts that being a single parent is a tough job. But when you throw dating into the mix, there arises a whole new set of challenges.

Sleep deprivation, an intense schedule and concern over the reaction of children are just some of the complications that can deflate a single parent’s pursuit of romance.

“Before I had my son I liked dating, but now it’s hard work,” says San Francisco single mom Eleanor Scott, who has a 5-year-old son. “As a single parent, you can’t be spontaneous anymore, which is a really important thing for dating.”

Dating Frustrations

Scott is not alone. According to a 2009 U.S. Census report, there are close to 200,000 single parents in the Bay Area. More than three-quarters of these are women who hold primary custody of their children.

Some of these parents are newly single, still in tender shock over the breakup of their marriages or relationships. Others can’t fathom mixing dating with raising kids, so they put the thought indefinitely on the back burner.

Still others thirst for love, romance and companionship, only to be thwarted in their attempts because they feel out of practice, believe that being a single parent holds a stigma or are turned off by the quirks of finding love online.

“I would really like to be in a relationship with someone I trust, but getting there is so insane,” says Scott, who pens the blog singleparentcompany.blogspot.com. “It’s like climbing Mount Everest, at points insurmountable.”

“Finding someone at your same life stage is a big issue, especially now when I have a daughter in college and a son in high school,” says Los Altos single dad David Mott, who has been single and dating for 10 years and writes about his experiences on dadshouseblog.com.

He’s had three girlfriends in the past five years and all of them wanted to have children – all while he was busy getting his own out of the house. “We all knew there was an expiration date,” he adds.

So, how do single parents find dating prospects? The first step is to consider one’s own attitude, especially when it’s easier to claim you’re too busy to date.

“If you’re that busy, you’re probably too busy anyway,” says Mott. “You have to be willing. And once you are willing, then, in my experience, you’re going to meet them in real life.”

Getting Out There

Pacifica mom Kim Gitnick wasn’t looking to date when she started a “mini relationship” with a newly divorced friend. But it provided just the confidence she needed to start dating again.

“It was getting back out there and getting my feet wet,” says Gitnick, who has an 11-year-old son and has been single since he was 7 months old.

Gitnick soon started to date people she didn’t know. Luckily, she had a wide circle of friends without children who were willing to babysit while she went out on dates with people to whom they had introduced her.

“That felt comfortable, too. I knew their backgrounds better,” she says. Most of the men Gitnick has dated didn’t have children of their own, which initially made her feel awkward, not knowing when she should bring it up.

Experience eventually taught her to bring it up on the first date, if not before.

“If that scares people, then I don’t want that from the start,” she says, adding that she has been in a relationship for the past four years. “Every time I’ve brought it up, however, I’ve been pleasantly surprised that the men have not overreacted. That kind of positive reaction has encouraged me.”

Gitnick has managed to avoid using the Internet to find dates. But for many single parents, it is a natural first step back into the dating world. Scott, for example, finds that writing a dating profile can be particularly cathartic.

“It’s good to put what you’re looking for down on paper and put it out to the universe,” she says. “Plus, it’s also something to keep your mind from spinning out.”

Having an online profile can provide a nice ego boost as well, especially when she gets favorable compliments from viewers. But that doesn’t mean dating online isn’t without its pitfalls, especially when your “paper impression” of a person doesn’t live up to the real thing.

“I go on these dates and I’m so friggin’ angry that I’m not spending the time with a good friend or at home cleaning a closet,” she says.

One thing she has learned is to curtail the time she spends chatting with a dating prospect online. Instead, she prefers to go straight to coffee; it’s easier to walk away if it’s clear there’s no chemistry.

Mott, on the other hand, has officially sworn off of online dating sites.

“I’ve had virtually no success with them,” he says of his 10 years’ experience. “My advice is to be willing and wanting to meet people and you’ll find that you meet them in real life.”

Mott takes the initiative to be social and encourages his married friends to invite him to parties – something they tend to overlook because of his single status.

“I have found that it’s much better to meet a woman through friends because the mutual connection makes you both more respectful of each other,” he says.

In many ways, the experiences of single parents sound a lot like anyone else seeking a decent date. But single parents face a unique challenge that ups the ante: the reaction of their own children.

“Every time a relationship has failed and broken up, there’s tremendous guilt about ever having introduced my kid to this guy,” says Gitnick. “I should have never dragged my kid into this relationship.”

Bringing Kids Into the Mix

When and how to introduce a child to a single parent’s dating life depends on the age. Either way, family counselors stress the importance of listening to what a child says, despite a parent’s urge to explain – perhaps ad nauseam – why they feel the need to date.

“Just hear your kids. You know the empathy is really working when your kid kind of deflates a little bit and they can relax,” says Dr. Marc D. Kamore Stager, a family psychologist with East Bay Family Therapy. “They may still have feelings, but they know that someone understands.”

A parent’s decision to date may cause a child to feel torn in loyalty to the other parent. And even if the two biological parents were never together, a child may cling to the hope that their true parents will one day be together. Naturally, a parent’s dating life can threaten this fantasy.

“They mourn for the parent they never had,” says Kamore Stager. “They’re jealous that other kids have both parents.”

Because of this, single parents should go slow. They should wait to introduce the object of their affection to their children when they know the relationship is serious.

“Children fear that they are going to lose that psychological and emotional bond with their parent when something else comes into the picture at any age,” says Paula Shuer, a marriage and family therapist and co-owner of Parenting Plus Child and Family Counseling in Palo Alto. “It’s very, very important that parents are careful not to date on the children’s time.”

Equally important is helping children understand the needs of the parent. Engaging in a supportive relationship with another adult is a healthy goal for any single parent, and it’s important that children – especially older ones – know that.

In Gitnick’s case, she has endured plenty of guilty feelings as she worked to raise her son while dating. But, she has ceased to make hard-and-fast rules. Every situation is different, just like her son’s reaction has changed over the years.

“I do think he’s gotten something really positive from the men I’ve brought into his life,” she says. “I told him it makes me a better mom to have another adult to talk to. He really got that.”

Mott agrees, and counsels against parents, especially moms, being overly protective of their children, to the point that they refuse to date.

“It’s probably healthy for your kids to see you interacting with men other than you’re ex-husband,” he says.

For others like Scott, who are still somewhat fresh to the dating scene, it is important to balance the struggles of parenthood with the reality that everyone yearns to love and be loved. There is hope in finding the perfect balance.

“If you’re a single parent, you’re already doing an amazing job,” says Scott. “I’m going to keep doing it. I believe that eventually I’m going to meet someone great. But, my hair might not be clean on the day that I meet him.”

Millicent Skiles is an associate editor at Bay Area Parent and a mother of two.

____________________________________________________________________

Dating Do’s and Don’ts

Advice for single parents looking for love

Dating expert Whitney Casey is a relationship insider with the online dating website Match.com. She’s also the author of The Man Plan: Drive Men Wild … Not Away (Perigee Trade, 2009), a singles guide to modern dating.

Recently, she shared some tips with Bay Area Parent for single parents who may be wondering how to approach dating, especially in the online world.

• Dating hasn’t changed. “It really isn’t that different. The same rules still apply. A gentleman is a gentleman, a lady is a lady.”
•  Don’t be embarrassed about dating online. “It’s part of the process now. You should be proud that you are single and fabulous. You have a second chance or a third chance.”
•  Update your online profile. “The more you are changing your profile, the more searches you show up on. Men are doers; they’re action-oriented. Give them fodder. Otherwise, all men can say is ‘Oh, you’re hot.’”
•  Update and vary your profile pictures. “Most men complain that women don’t show full-body pictures. They need to see what they’re going out with. If you say you’re active (on your profile), then show it.”
•  Limit the email chatter. “Keep it to three emails each and a phone call to set up the date. Having these long missives to each other and then discovering you have no chemistry, it’s going to sour you to online dating very quickly.”
•  Actually read your date’s profile. “Men should have three great questions that they’ve come up with from the woman’s profile.”
•  Dress to impress. “Pick out three outfits ahead of time that are your go-to outfits, so you don’t have to stress about what to wear.”
•  Don’t talk about your kids on a date. “Nothing is less sexy. This is about finding a match for you. In your dating life, you really have to make you first, because you will always make the right choices for your children.”
• Avoid talking about the “Big D.” “Wait seven dates before talking about divorce. It does not define you, just like your kids don’t define you. (Divorces) are situations; they are not personality traits.”