For children, play is natural—it’s how they learn about themselves, their environment and the people around them. Fantasy play for young children is a way to try on adult roles and skills. Here's how parents can rediscover the rewards of play.
“I could handle this type of play for about half an hour, after that I would come up with ways to extricate myself, making excuses for why I had to do something else,” says Diamond, admitting that she found this kind of play boring—even difficult—at times.
While not all parents find it a chore to get down on the floor with a child and build forts or make stuffed animals talk, many do. Shedding our adult roles and crossing the bridge into the world of make-believe is often a bumpy path with no road signs. We know we should play with our children—and we want to—but may find it tedious and tiring.
But for children, play is natural—it’s how they learn about themselves, their environment and the people around them. Fantasy play for young children is a way to try on adult roles and skills.
Not Just Kids’ Stuff
Studies show that through play children learn to take the perspective of others; they learn self-control and the ability to take turns. Children who play make-believe or games with rules are more empathetic, less physically aggressive and more cooperative with other children and adults.
“Children who engage in fantasy play in first and second grade are the most creative problem-solvers as fifth and sixth graders,” says Sandra Russ, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at
Yet, in recent years, many preschools have been placing more emphasis on academic learning than outright play. In addition, organized activities, TV and computers take time away from free play. So it’s increasingly up to parents to make sure children get enough playtime, says Russ. And, by actively engaging with children in their play, parents not only promote the benefits of play, they also get to know their kids better and strengthen the parent-child bond.
The Rewards of Play
Parent-child play is profoundly meaningful and has more value than adults may think, psychologists point out.
“Play allows parents to enter a child’s world, on the child’s terms, in order to foster closeness, confidence and connection,” says Lawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D., a psychologist, play therapist and author of Playful Parenting. “Playing is how children show themselves to us. It’s also a way to be close and to reconnect after closeness has been severed [by an argument or conflict]. The more we join them in their world, the more cooperative they will be when we drag them along to ours.”
Playing can be a way to find out what’s going on in children’s lives. With their dolls or action figures, children often replay scenes from their lives, putting their own emotional spin on the day’s events. Joining them gives parents insight into their thoughts and concerns, enabling them to help them find solutions to conflicts.
“I learned a lot about boys,” Diamond says. “By being willing to get on the floor and actually play with them and show an interest in their toys and, later, in their paintball guns and computer games, I think they came to respect me because I was always interested in what they did and what they had to say.”
Stanley Greenspan, M.D., a clinical professor of pediatrics and psychiatry at George Washington University School of Medicine and author of many influential parenting books, says interactive play with their parents helps children develop the social skills necessary for getting along with others and is core to their healthy development.
When you play with your children, Greenspan says, “you’re not only connecting and engaging, you’re exchanging back-and-forth emotional signals, which is helping the child regulate mood and behavior, learning to read social signals and learning to communicate. Each of these abilities contributes to a child’s sense of security.”
Getting Back to Basics
Somewhere between adolescence and young adulthood people lose the joy of playing, Cohen notes. Work, stress and the demands of daily life replace playtime. The more serious or dignified we have to be at work, or the more stressful our lives, the harder it can be to loosen up and play with the freedom and abandon that our children love.
“Sometimes it’s work mustering up enthusiasm when you feel bored and listless,” Cohen says. But with commitment and practice, grown-ups can rediscover the joys of playing.
Give yourself permission to admit that play can be boring, says Susan Oliver, a mother of three and executive director of Playing for Keeps, a nonprofit organization dedicated to promoting healthy, constructive, nonviolent play. “While it’s hard to relax and give yourself over to play, view this time with your children as an adventure,” she says.
For starters, your role can actually be quite minimal and the play you undertake can be almost any activity—from board games and dress-up to wrestling and storytelling. Enjoying nature walks together and collecting colorful stones count as play, too, Oliver says.
For children, play means that every pot and pan in the kitchen can be a musical instrument and every rock in the yard can be a pirate ship. Adults have to remember that play is not something that only has to happen when we’re playing, Cohen says. We can play while we’re grocery shopping, reading bedtime stories or getting ready for school.
Entering a Child's World
To find the way down the rabbit hole into a magical children’s world, Cohen suggests making a conscious transition from work—or whatever else you’re doing—to play: Change into play clothes, for instance. Set a timer for half an hour or an hour. During this time, give your child 100 percent of your attention—no phone calls, no preparing dinner.
“Your goal is to reach out to your child and enter his or her zone,” Cohen says.
For many parents, it’s hard to play games they didn’t grow up playing. Because of this, moms and dads generally revert to traditional gender roles—dads roughhouse and play catch, while moms do art and play dolls. “I always encourage parents to extend their boundaries a bit,” says Cohen.
Many parents tense up without realizing it, notes Greenspan. “Relax and play things you like, too. Don’t feel like you need to make something happen during play. Instead, try to follow your child’s natural interests. Let your child direct.”
While there’s no magic number of hours that you should play with your child, experienced parents learn that playtime is time well spent.
“As bored as I was many times when we sat playing with all those micro machines and action figures, I wouldn’t trade a moment of it,” says Diamond, whose oldest son is now 16. “He still comes to me all the time and wants my input since he knows I’m truly interested. I really believe that has come from the tremendous amount of time we have spent together in all kinds of play and activity over the last 16 years.”
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