The First Annual AcadMOMMY Awards

I am all for the process of honoring people for their achievements. Whether an individual works hard, strives for perfection or simply excels by virtue of good genes, it is important to acknowledge their accomplishments. For instance, I enjoy watching the Olympics. Any young man who can hang from a set of rings while clad in tights so tight they look sprayed on, deserves a medal. And those young women who can run like gazelles, jumping hurdles in between? Slap a gold, silver or bronze around their necks. (Although tell me there is a sale on paper towels one aisle over and I can leap tall corn can displays, with a shopping cart, at the speed of sound.)

Recognition by one's peers is healthy for self esteem too. In my life I have received various awards that made me feel happy, satisfied, even smug. Most notably when I beat that snot, Stephanie, in the sixth-grade spelling bee. I was gracious, even allowed her to actually touch my much larger trophy. (Although in later years I look back at the irony of winning on the word magnanimous.)

Sports and spelling bees aside, I think there is no group of people alive who spend as much time honoring themselves as does the entertainment community. It used to be that the Oscars were THE big deal of the year. No more. The Oscars are now almost anti-climactic. By the time the statues are handed out next week, we will have been subjected to The Golden Globes, The Screen Actors' Guild, The People's Choice, Cable Ace Awards, Emmy (Day/Night), even the TV Guide Awards. So intent on honoring the "best" anything, it would not surprise me to turn on the TV and see a promo for The 1st Annual Celebrity Dental Floss Awards. (God knows, Julia Roberts would be a contender.)

However, that said, I must admit that given the number of trophies, statues and odd shaped crystal given out, I have been inspired to develop an awards ceremony honoring those individuals without whom the world would stop turning. MOMS. The AcadMOMMY Awards, to be exact. (The statuette is a gold plated Toilet Brush.) And since it is my awards show, I have humbly nominated myself in the following categories:

Best Actress: Surely my totally believable response when my daughter asked who ate the last Fudgesicle is worthy of a nod. Not to mention my dramatic pronouncement to my husband that, "Alas, I do not know what happened to your Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, dear. I too, mourn its loss. Sigh."

Costume Design: Anyone who saw my handiwork for my daughter's school vocabulary parade would surely vote for me. The costumers for Erin Brockovich may have had to design Julia Roberts' cleavage, but I had to transform a blue sweatsuit into "The Ocean Floor" armed only with a glue gun, some felt squares and a few plastic weeds from Wal-Mart.

Art Design: Again showing my prowess with a glue gun, I fashioned a foolproof leprechaun trap out of green paint, a shoe box and a flat piece of cardboard. (And if I don't win this category? "It-is-an-honor-to-be-nominated" and I still got an A from the teacher. So there.)

Best Director: On the set of my homelife, I direct the activities of three children, one husband, a hamster and two tadpoles daily. (And they are all visually presentable and still alive, thankyouverymuch.)

Best Make-up: Just ask my family about the metamorphosis that takes place in my bathroom each morning. 'Nuff said.

Foreign Language Film: An unexpected brush with my hot curling iron put me in the running for this award. The trail of verbiage that spewed from my mouth was definitely French.

Sound Editing: Forget past dramatic work in films like Star Wars or Flashdance, for I excel each evening when I edit the sound of my husband's snoring with a swift kick in his a**.

Two categories in which I have nominated my children are these:

Visual Effects: My daughter Kendall for her performance of "It Came From The Deep" and the accompanying regurgitated Kool-Aid and hot dogs with which she decorated the shag carpet.

Sound Effects: Forget that Best Picture nominee, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. My daughter Carson is nominated for her audio work in Crouching Child, Hidden Poop.

I do hope you will be watching the 1st Annual AcadMOMMY Awards. My show may not have big-name celebrities or designer dresses, but I can promise worthy nominees, a lot of women clad in sweatsuits and a walk down a red carpet.

(As if you had any doubt about the color of that Kool-Aid.)