Waiting for the Mother Ship




NEWS FLASH … Alien beings are invading homes across America, inhabiting the bodies of innocent children and turning them into strange, unrecognizable creatures. something that looks kind of like my kid but has a lot more makeup and way more attitude. Frankly, it’s terrifying. It happened at my house and it could happen at yours.

Some may blame this sudden mutation on raging adolescent hormones. Others point a finger at MTV, but I know it’s the plot of an alien race, intent on taking over the world, or at least creating chaos in my home. I want to believe.

Like the poster of Tom Cruise that suddenly appeared tacked to her bedroom wall, the signs are everywhere. I find lotions, glosses, shadows and powders littering the bathroom vanity. I’m sure that underneath the pink blush and strawberry lip gloss there lurks a little gray being.


Since the alien came to our house, everything has changed. I don’t even know what to cook for dinner. My human daughter used to love macaroni and cheese, but the alien only eats organic produce. Or was that last week? Tuesday she was a vegan, Wednesday she was on the South Beach Diet, and on Thursday she ate an entire pint of coffee fudge ice cream.

My Earth daughter used to think that I was pretty cool, but my outer space teen is embarrassed by everything that I do or say – especially in public. She even refuses to get out of the car if I wear my flowered capri pants and Girl Scout socks to the supermarket. I think she’s worried that my behavior might call attention to her planet’s plot for global dominion.

Instead, she waits in the car and fiddles with the radio. I know she’s not listening to rock and roll. She’s trying to pick up signals from outside the solar system. My alien child rarely plays outside. Instead, she spends time in the house talking on her cell phone, sending text messages and typing on my computer using a language that I cannot decipher. The three letter words – brb, lol and gtg – that appear repeatedly in her communications must be some kind of interplanetary code. I think she’s trying to contact the mother ship.

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