10 Talents of Parenting: Understanding and Empathy

If we look under the surface of our children's behavior, at how they might be feeling, we are often in a better position to get things back on track. How have you nurtured that talent of looking deep inside, understanding where a child's behavior is coming from and seeing the pain behind the problems?

By Lawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D.

When our children have been "bad," it's hard for us to remember that they need comfort rather than punishment. After all, when you have made a mistake, would you rather get understanding or criticism?

The best way to cultivate empathy is to focus on children's underlying needs and feelings, instead of reacting to the behavior. If we tune in to what they need - including the need to be understood - then children will be more cooperative and happier.

But empathy - identifying and understanding another person's feelings and difficulties - can be hard. Most of us didn't get enough empathy when we were little. Now that we aren't little anymore, we usually don't want to think about when we were, and we certainly don't want to feel those old scary or painful feelings again.

Sometimes we avoid empathy simply because we can't handle the heartbreak of empathizing with our own child's pain. So, instead, we yell at, scold, punish and ignore our kids, focusing on what they are doing instead of what they are experiencing underneath.

To develop the talent of tuning in to what is really going on under the surface, try "breaking the code" of children's behavior. Translate what they are doing into a sentence that starts with "I feel ____" or "I need ___" and fill in the blank. Respond to that need or feeling, rather than the behavior. (Remember, no child needs a kick in the keister! And focus your translations on real feelings, like sadness, loneliness or shame, not things such as "I need to drive Mommy crazy.")

If a toddler starts pulling everything off the counter, he may be saying, "I need something to do." If an eighth-grader starts forgetting to do her homework, she may be saying, "I feel scared about high school coming up." You won't always be right about your translation, but it always helps to try to locate the need or feeling underneath.