Troublesome Friends: Teen Peers and Cliques

Friend or Foe? Dealing With Your Child’s Troublesome Friends - A 3-Part Series

By Antoinette Donovan Hemphill

It’s a phrase dreaded by parents everywhere – “But all of my friends are doing it!” And while the old standby – “If all of your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?” – can be an effective reply, the original plea is still a jolting reminder of the powerful influences that your children’s friendships carry.

This is usually not a problem when the buddies in question are mellow, respectful do-gooders whom you adore. If only that was always the case.

“Unfortunately, the kids who receive attention from adults and attract their peers are often the ones who don’t follow the rules,” says Nina Senatore, a professor of education at Simmons College in Boston.

What do you do when your child chooses a friend whose actions and behavior clashes with your family’s rules and values? Focus on the behavior, not the friendship, child development experts say. And tailor your approach to your child’s age.

In this segment we focus on:

Teen Peers and Cliques

During middle and high school, the situation is even more about getting to know your child’s friends than about controlling who those friends are. “The ear to the peer group is stronger most times,” says Anthony Rao, Ph.D., a behavioral psychologist at Harvard Medical School and in private practice, and co-author of The Way of Boys: Raising Healthy Boys in a Challenging and Complex World.. “If you tell your children they can’t have a certain friend, it will absolutely seal the deal for them to like that child more.”

In an “offense is the best defense” approach, parents should try to make their home a comfortable and welcoming place for spending time with friends. “Your child’s friends should have lots of face time [in your home],” Rao says. “Your children will feel like there’s nothing to hide. They are also less likely to get into trouble when these situations are created.”

By providing a positive environment for your child and his friends, you’re also making yourself an understanding and reliable presence in their lives. “Typically, adolescents who make good choices cite adults in their lives as good role models,” says says Nina Senatore, a professor of education at Simmons College in Boston.