Time-in Before Time-out: Less Talking – More Hands-on Learning

By Lisa Kosan

Another way to improve the parent-child relationship and have a positive impact on a child’s behavior is to quit lecturing and provide more hands-on learning for children to develop skills, whether it’s cooperation, doing laundry or riding a bike.

“In the last 10 to 15 years, we have become convinced that we can change anything in our kids by talking,” says Edward Christophersen, Ph.D., a professor of pediatrics at Children’s Mercy Hospital in Kansas City. “My guess is that nothing could be further from the truth.”

Parents spend too much time giving kids directions (Get dressed. Finish your homework. Stop doing headstands on the dining room table!) and not enough time listening and being quiet so our children will talk.

Consider this tactic: Pick one part of your day – the drive to school, for example – when you do not initiate or change a conversation. Stick with that policy for 10 years, Christophersen says in all seriousness. Your child will learn that he can say anything, whether to comment on a huge oak tree you pass, or, years later, that a friend offered him drugs.

In Parenting that Works: Building Skills that Last a Lifetime, co-authored with Susan Mortweet, Christophersen urges parents to figure out what skills they want their child to have five or 10 years down the road, then set about teaching them. Here are some examples: