The Touch Taboo

"My Dad and I were really close when I was a kid; we were our own special team. But when I started developing breasts, it seemed like he pulled away completely. I couldn’t figure out why he cut me off, and I kept trying to reach out to him, but no dice. So, I started acting out, even doing irresponsible sexual things. But none of it seemed to get his attention. He left me out in the cold and was never close to me again. I don’t think we’ll ever be close because, 15 years later, I’m still really pissed off at him for abandoning me."

– Katie, now 30


"How can I keep hugging or touching her now that she’s an adolescent and has developed? Won’t my wife, or other people, or my daughter think I’m a pervert if I hold her close? Sometimes, brushing by me, her breast will touch my elbow or something, and I jump; it’s like I can’t let her touch me even by accident, because she – or someone – will think I’m doing something wrong."

– Father of adolescent girl

As I travel the country speaking and learning about father-daughter relationships, I hear a disturbing number of stories like these.

From a daughter’s earliest days, her father or stepfather may worry about her adolescence, and the immutable fact that she will blossom into a sexual being. When a girl is young, that fatherly concern often centers on anticipating threats from people outside the family (i.e., boyfriends) once she reaches puberty. How many times have we heard the father of a baby girl say, only half jokingly, "She’s not dating until she’s 35!"?

But, when adolescence actually happens, a dad can be caught unprepared for the whirl of feelings surrounding physical affection between himself and his daughter, questioning what’s appropriate to say or do, and fighting the urge to emotionally (or even physically) flee from what feels like a highly charged situation.

What’s going on here? Why is father-daughter touch such a loaded and taboo subject?

The Social Context

The most obvious reason is our culture’s still abhorrently high rate of sexual abuse. Too many of our fellow men behave sexually with their daughters, sons or other children placed in their trust. Recent news coverage of sexual abuse by priests has both increased and obscured public awareness of sexual abuse. It throws light on the lifelong, horrible damage that sexual abuse inflicts on a child. Lost in the sensational stories, however, is the fact that perpetrators of sexual abuse are not confined to the priesthood.

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