The Joys & Pitfalls of Parenting

By Suzin Bartley, Ed.D.

Ah, The Joys And Pitfalls Of Parenting

WANTED for opportunity of a lifetime: Patient, disciplined, childhood expert. Minimum 18-year commitment required.Must be available 24/7 and defer personal needs without notice. High school, college degree or previous experience not necessary.

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Ah, parenting. It’s one of life’s most rewarding experiences, but I’m here to tell you it’s also one of the toughest jobs in the world. Some may think parenting is an innate skill, but I know, as the surviving mother of two boys, there’s a lot to learn. My husband, Chris, and I were convinced we had all the bases covered. I was a social worker whose primary focus was children and families; Chris had a doctorate in education. We thought we could handle anything.

But when I held my son Brian for the first time, I was unprepared for how intensely I loved this baby boy. I wanted everything to be perfect for him – including me. I was overwhelmed by the thought of being responsible for this brand new life.

And then it happened. This precious infant who slept through the night at two weeks decided to experience life in the wee hours. Did he want to eat? No. Diaper change? Did that. After feeding, changing, singing and dancing, the boy would not go back to sleep. And this went on for weeks. Chris and I were exhausted zombies during the day and circus performers for a 10-pound baby at night. We were lost.

It was a huge wakeup call (no pun intended) and the first of countless lessons I’ve learned over the years. The “how-to” manual doesn’t really exist. As parents, we quickly realized we had entered a zone of unlimited love, unlimited questions and infrequent breaks to sneak off and find the answers.

April is Child Abuse Prevention Month – a good time to remember that all parents are frustrated, angry or just plain baffled at times; we all can use support, information and the chance to unload to an understanding adult. And all parents need:

• An understanding of child development – So that you can teach your toddler to use his words instead of his teeth to communicate.

• Appropriate expectations for kids’ behavior – So that you realize your child isn’t the only one who falls apart at the mall.

• Support – So that you understand that it’s good to ask questions and know where to find the answers.

• Social connections – So that your life is richer and easier because, for instance, a neighbor has volunteered to pick up groceries.

• Resilience – So that no matter how frustrating it gets, you know that we all must get up the next morning and start over again.

All children deserve to grow up healthy in safe, loving homes, ready to learn and prepared to succeed.

You, as parents, grandparents or caring bystanders, can provide invaluable support. In line at the grocery store, don’t glare at the mom or dad in front of you trying to calm a screaming toddler; let them know you’ve been there too. Smile at the baby or play peek-aboo, and if the child regains composure, everyone in the store will thank you!

Random acts of kindness to parents can make a huge difference. Offer to take your nieces to the park or let your neighbor with the new baby know that you’re going to the pharmacy and can pick something up for her. The smallest gesture will be greatly appreciated.

Massachusetts Children’s Trust Fund Executive Director Suzin Bartley, LICSW, is the proud mom of Brian, now 23 and returning from a teaching fellowship in Thailand, and Paul, 18, who begins college this fall. Learn more about the Children’s Trust Fund at www.OneToughJob.org.