The Joys and Challenges of Twins & Multiples

At my first Mothers of Twins meeting, I made a discovery. As the other mothers went around the room, laughing and crying, I noticed that none of them had twins over the age of 3. I concluded that after three years, parenting twins was no longer so hard – either that, or the parents were all dead!

Parents with older twins (and even those remarkable parents who have triplets or more) have often assured me that by the time children are 3, many of the unique challenges of caring for multiples seem to fade away (only to be replaced by the very real parenting challenges of raising a large family).

No article or book can give you a magic bullet to make it through those first three challenging years. Nothing will make having multiple infants seem like having a single baby. But there is some valuable advice – from parents who have been there and survived! – to help you implement the key principles of getting help, getting scheduled and dealing with guilt and isolation; and meet the particular challenges of breastfeeding and sleep.

Help!

It’s daunting to be faced with two or more squalling infants at once. Don’t feel bad if you’re overwhelmed merely getting through the day: It simply takes more than two hands to calm two (or more) fussy babies. Parents of multiples need extraordinary amounts of help in the first year.

Ask for help. Think broadly in your search. Creative moms report using unemployed neighbors and siblings, in-laws or cheap-to-hire students to play with their babies.

Arrange for help at the most useful times. Tamara Eberlein, a mother of twins and co-author of When You’re Expecting Twins, Triplets or Quads, recommends keeping a list of things you need so that you can make specific suggestions when people ask how they can help. If your babies are fussy in the late afternoon, get help then. Don’t hesitate to politely tell people to go away when the babies sleep and you need a nap. Invite people over for a “working dinner” so you have extra hands during meals.

Pay attention to your own needs. Don’t hire someone to play with your babies so you can clean your kitchen if you would rather spend time with the kids. But if you do need a break from the babies, don’t feel guilty if you would really rather scrub the floor.

Get Out!

Fight the Guilt and Isolation. Being a parent of multiples can be rife with guilt: about not being able to attend to all of your children’s needs or even about not being happy about having multiples. This guilt is compounded by the feeling of physical and psychological isolation.

Fight against the isolation by getting out every day. Ellen Olson-Brown, a mother of twin boys, called her daily walk with her infants “the psychological equivalent of brushing her teeth.” Use your outings as a way to s

“I loved the new moms’ playgroup,” Olson-Brown says. “It was the first time I saw with my own eyes other moms getting two – or three! – babies in and out of the house and the car. It was the first time I saw other mothers manage two babies at the same time, and it made me feel like my clumsy two-baby holds were maybe not so bad. I felt normal.”