Strategies for Coping with Your Spirited Child

Here are some approaches the experts suggest for dealing with trying behavior:

• Teach limits and healthy self-expression. “Being spirited is never an excuse for poor behavior,” Kurcinka says. Teach your children to name the emotion they’re experiencing so the feelings can be managed: “Here’s what you can say and do that are socially acceptable outlets for that emotion.” For example, if your child is angry and hitting you, she suggests taking her hand and saying, “Stop. No matter how angry we are, we never hit. You’re frustrated, or you’re irritated, or you need attention, or that was disappointing. You can say, ‘I’m disappointed.’”

• Model problem-solving strategies. Ask your child, “What ideas do you have that can help you with this problem? Do you want to go in your room and choose a different shirt? Do you want to wear it for a couple of minutes and see if it still bothers you?” Talking about alternatives helps your child feel competent to handle things.

• Empathize. Recognize that your child is having a difficult time and needs your compassion. Be respectful of her individual differences. “When you empathize with your child’s desire to have all the cake on the table,” Greenspan says, “you won’t intensify the feeling, but rather you’ll help her recognize it.” You might tell her about a similar time in your own life and what you felt.