Stepfamilies: The Ultimate Challenge!

If your divorce has passed and now you're considering remarrying, be prepared for yet another challenge. This is not meant to discourage you, but rather to inform you of a potentially difficult path that lies ahead. Knowing what some of the obstacles are may help you to have a more successful journey.

Perhaps one of the most common scenarios in stepfamilies is as follows. The stepmom or stepdad has to deal with their stepchild, who may resent them and fear that their stepparent is a threat to their "real mom" or "real dad". Often, the child may not like their new stepparent, not so much because of who the stepparent is as a person, necessarily, as much as the role that they represent.

Children in stepfamilies will commonly test the stepparent, and it’s only natural for them to do so. When it comes time for the stepparent to have to set a limit with the child, the sparks can start to fly! The child who may have already resented the stepparent, now especially resents them, because they "dared to act like a real parent" and tried to discipline them. The child may feel stuck in a loyalty struggle, and even if they really like the stepparent, they might feel guilty about it. It can be really tough to be a stepchild.. The child may think, or even say : "Who do you think you are? You’re not my real mother or real father!!!"

At this point, the stepparent may be feeling irritated, and it is only natural for them to feel that way, too! It is common at this point, for the stepparent to start to feel a little "testy" themselves, as at times like these, stepparenting can be rather taxing. They may lose their patience and become quite annoyed or yell at their stepchild, who may then turn to their biological parent for help. Typically you can hear something like: "Mom! Roger yelled at me!" or "Dad, your new wife tried to send me to my room, and I didn’t do anything!" Again, it’s "who do think you are trying to take mother’s (or father’s) place?!"

However, the biggest surprise of all for the stepparent is that when they turn to their new spouse for support, they often find instead that their spouse is angry at them, not the kid! Now they become exasperated, and commonly feel ganged up on by their spouse and stepchild. They may say something like "You expect me to act like a parent, but when I do act like one, you get mad at me. I give up!" It may all feel most unfair. Being a stepparent can indeed be very difficult and even feel thankless at times.