Setting Limits

Teaching our children about limits is an ongoing assignment that ends only when they leave home, if it does at all. Our youngsters come into the world full of ego abundance, blissfully ignorant that life operates by laws, both natural and social, and one of our great tasks as parents is to first introduce limits and then teach our children to respect them. The problem is that few children yield willingly to the imposition, since limits tend to stand in the way of getting what they want. It is no wonder, then, that this aspect of family life can precipitate cycles of hostility between parent and child.

Just as we at times backslide in business or romance, or lapse into ill health, so do our children pass through difficult stages: They can be intermittently clingy, self-righteous, or rebellious...

Each family member, depending on their developmental realities, projects onto them a personal mythology. Hence our task is to open up to our children's outlook and provide structure with that in mind. A commitment to learning their logic ensures that we, in turn, are understood.

When [my son] Paul was a toddler, I quickly learned to limit the amount of stimulation he was exposed to-- if for no other reason than to keep me from humming a mantra of "no's." I made sure he avoided late bedtimes, and I restricted the number of playmates that could visit on any given day. In addition, we patronized family restaurants known for their kid-tolerant policies because Paul, a curious and friendly child, could not resist wandering around and chatting with everyone in the room. Although the clientele at these establishments probably saw me as careless, I was vigilantly monitoring my son's excursions.

If your child, too, is naturally stubborn, immediately digging his heels in when attacked, learn to set limits with this trait in mind. Rather than issuing a firm "no," try getting one from a neutral third party or offer a "let's see" explanation. For instance, since hearing "It's too cold for swimming" from you is apt to be less palatable than hearing it on the Weather Channel, you might say, "Let's see about the temperature," then turn on the TV. Stubborn children demand more control over their lives than others do, and are inclined to experience every new boundary as an affront. To avoid a standoff, we must search for more patience, learn how to negotiate, and be more creative about attaining our goals. Otherwise, we risk getting stuck at an impasse where each limitation is laden with power plays and ever more obstinacy...