10 Talents of Parenting: Responsiveness

In order to meet your child's needs, try to tune-in more closely to what your child is thinking and feeling.

Recognizing and Responding to Your Child's Needs

by Lawrence J. Cohen

The key to providing security to children is recognizing and meeting their needs. It isn't always easy. Babies' needs are pretty obvious: feed them when they're hungry, change them when they're wet, hold them when they want to be close, show them the world when they are curious. But as children grow up, their needs become more complex.

They might want to be comforted and nurtured like a baby, and want independence at the same time. They often need more connection, comfort and affection than we have available to give them. Children of all ages have needs that clash with our own needs (they want to play when we want to sleep).

Whining children disguise their needs; they sound like they need that cookie or that truck, but usually what they really need is a chance to reconnect with us after a long day or to let out a good cry after a big frustration. Children need limits, but they don't need limits to be delivered harshly or angrily. I've never met a child with a deep-seated need for yelling, scolding or punishment. Sure, they might need some guidance and direction, but if we are responding to their needs, we will give them that discipline with love and respect.

To nurture this talent of responsiveness, try stepping out of the power struggle, the irritability and the aggravation, and ask yourself, "What does my child need right now?" (If your answer is "a kick in the keister," keep asking yourself until you come up with a real need!) Think about how you might meet that need, without sacrificing your own basic needs. You will probably discover that in order to meet that need, you have to tune-in more closely to what your child is thinking and feeling.

You may also want to consider how your own needs were met - or left unmet - when you were young. Do you feel resentful when your child needs something from you, especially if it's something you never got? Is there some way that you can get your own needs met now, so that you will feel better equipped to meet your child's needs?