10 Talents of Parenting: Reflection

Why and How to Reflect on Being a Parent

This is the fifth in our series of articles on nurturing the 10 Talents of Parenting

By Lawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D.

In The Neuroscience of Psychotherapy, Louis Cozolino describes people with a rare type of brain injury who are “constantly distracted by emotional and sensory experience, unable to maintain focus, and suffer deficits in imaginative abilities.”

Wait! That sounds like a description of every parent of young children! Even without the injury, we are usually so wrapped up in each moment – or so exhausted – that we don’t have time or energy to absorb our parenting experiences, consider their meanings and imagine new possibilities. But we need to make the time for reflection, even if we have to steal it from other activities that seem more crucial.

There’s an old Sufi story, in which Mullah Nasrudin – the wise fool – is chopping down a mighty tree with a dull ax. A friend, passing by, suggests that he sharpen the ax, since it’s clear that at this rate the job will take forever. The Mullah waves his friend away, saying, “I don’t have time; I have to chop down this tree right away.”

Reflecting on parenthood – stepping back to think, write or talk about what life is really like for us – is worth the time, because it helps us become better parents. 

Another Nasrudin story explains why:

A man walking along the street sees him searching for a lost key under a street lamp and politely stops to help. After a long search, the passerby says, “Are you sure this is where you lost the key?”

“Oh no,” answers Mullah Nasrudin, “I lost it over there.”

“Then why aren’t we looking for it over there?”

“Ah, because the light is better here.”