Protect Your Child’s Self-Esteem

Want your child to have high self-esteem? Read on for some examples of what not to do.

All conscientious parents want their children to feel good about themselves-that is, to have high self-esteem. To accomplish this, parents must treat their children in a way that makes them feel loved, capable, and successful in achieving their developmental goals (the children have to do their part, too). But sometimes, our language, culture, or family traditions promote expressions and practices that can hurt our children's self-esteem rather than raise it. This article points out some key "self-esteem killers" to avoid.

But first, this disclaimer: parents may not judge or criticize themselves for having used any of these expressions or practices in the past.

Self-Esteem Killer #1

Having low expectations for a child and discouraging her from having high expectations for herself

A severely depressed client once told me that her mother repeatedly warned her (as a child) never to hope for anything good to happen in her life; that way, she would never feel disappointed. She grew up without disappointment, but suffered heavy consequences for her low expectations. She never believed she could accomplish anything, never gave herself credit for an achievement (no matter how legitimate), and never felt good about herself. She still struggles with low self-esteem at age 48.

On the other hand, studies show that children whose parents hold high expectations for them (combined with a flexible, democratic parenting style) tend to have the highest self-esteem. Children who simply believe they can accomplish goals develop resilience and can overcome obstacles and multiple failures to achieve them. Parents that expect their kids to achieve and teach them "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again" will help build determined, resilient, and success-minded individuals.