One Mother’s Harrowing Battle with Depression

I have always tried to hide my dark, sad, vulnerable side and only show the happy, sanguine side of my personality. Then, about four years ago, shortly after the birth of my second child, with my marriage unraveling, I slipped into what my counselor termed “situational depression.” It persisted for several years, at times almost disappearing when I felt in control of my life, but returning anytime I felt I had lost control.

My depression deepened in early 2000 when I finally left my husband of seven years and moved in with my mom. I was 26 years old, a mother of two, a full-time working college student, and struggling to survive. Then, with a series of negative events – each seeming worse than the last – I found myself spinning downward into a world of pain and sadness I couldn’t explain.

Parenting my two small children became providing the bare essentials. I was unable to provide the love and attention they deserved. I still worry that I irreparably damaged my children during that time – with my quick temper, my lack of patience and unexplainable tears. At the time, I beat myself up daily – for being a bad mom, a terrible wife, an unmotivated employee and an underachieving, slipshod student – until every accomplishment I had ever achieved was negated by all of my perceived failures.