Marriage Secret: Fighting Fair

Despite the dictionary entry (which I insisted on seeing myself), I still disagreed. I realized my position was weak, however, and that pushing my point any further would trigger our own earthquake: Instead of arguing about waves, we'd be arguing about our argument. Was it worth it?


I meekly suggested that perhaps Webster got it wrong. My husband looked at me with raised eyebrows and a conciliatory smile. He knew that I was conceding. I returned his grin, realizing with relief what I had won. I had avoided a fight about something that really didn't matter. Something incredible had happened: I had let it go.


While I still prefer not being wrong, I want my relationship to work more than I want to be right. This time around, the big picture is clear. I love my husband. I don't want to hurt him. We're compatible, and it feels awful when we don't get along. I want our marriage to thrive, and I want to grow - which means learning how to lose on occasion.


Of course, not all of our arguments are about trivialities, and it's much harder to let go when the stakes are meaningful. My husband is a thoughtful stepfather, and we sometimes differ over how much freedom the kids should have on their bikes or when they should do their chores. When serious talks get heated, basic communication suffers. At some point, we stare at each other in pained disbelief, each of us wondering why the other is suddenly speaking Old Norse instead of English.


At this precipice, I'm learning to take a deep breath and peer at things from my partner's perspective. I know he's as sure of being right as I am, which makes me curious about where he's coming from. I trust him and our relationship enough to accept that the truth probably lies somewhere in the unfamiliar middle.


Miranda Hersey Helin is cofounder of Pen and Press, a writing and editorial services company.


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