How to Give Your Kids Parenting Guidance

‘Who Asked You?'

By Joy Elbaum

“When I grow up, I’m not gonna treat my kids the way you treated me!”

Remember the kids who used to hurl this ultimate insult at you? Those kids are now the parents of your grandchildren. And, true to their word, they’re probably not coming to you for parenting advice.

As parents and grandparents, we want to help our children do the best job possible raising their kids. But how do we do that – without stepping on any toes? How can we make sure that our advice won’t be spurned? And how can we encourage them to come to us for guidance?

Parenting with a Light Touch

As in everything, relationship is the key. As our children become parents themselves, it’s as important as ever to focus on our relationship with them. Parenthood, after all, is just the latest of the many developmental stages that they’ve passed through – hopefully, with our help. And the help that’s needed at this stage is simple, experts say: parents need to be parented.

Parents today feel isolated and lonely in their parenting. They need support, says renowned pediatrician and child-development expert T. Berry Brazelton. Grandparents can provide that support, and cushion many of the stresses on these young parents, simply by being parents to them.

What makes this tricky, Dr. Brazelton points out, is that our adult children may not be very likely to consult with us at this stage. It’s part of their necessary struggle for separation from us – the desire to be themselves, not their parents. They don’t want to parent in exactly the same way that they were parented, so they’re bound to reject – at least some of – our advice.

Communication Strategies

So save your advice, cautions Brazelton, and let your child take the lead in seeking your help. But make it easy for him or her to find you: a regular “date” with you to let your child unload is a sure way to keep in touch.

Another effective strategy to foster good intergenerational communication is to have regular family meetings, says Arthur Kornhaber, M.D., the founder and president of the Foundation for Grandparenting, who has spent more than 30 years researching and writing about grandparenting issues.