How Much Back Talk Should Parents Tolerate from Kids?

Sometimes that’s the only way family conflicts get resolved, she says. “I’d say, ‘You don’t think your brother does enough? Then we’ll talk about it at the next family meeting.’”

Such meetings may have gone out of style in today’s go-go family lifestyle, but Faber pegs them as an invaluable tool for dealing with conflict. When she talks to parents around the country, most of them recall a less-rushed household in their youth and “describe family meetings with such pleasure.” They also recall the meetings as an effective way to resolve disputes over such daily-life issues as how much time siblings spend in the bathroom.

In this case, “back talk” can lead to an opportunity for family bonding. “Everybody’s pressed, everybody’s rushed,” says Faber. “But the most important thing you have are those family relationships. At one point, you have to draw a circle around your precious family and say, ‘This is what we need for our emotional health. It’s time for a family tune-up.’”

Resources

• Backtalk: 4 Steps to Ending Rude Behavior in Your Kids,  Audrey Ricker and Carolyn Crowder, Fireside, 1998. Offers advice on how to nip back talk in the bud with immediate consequences. This zero-tolerance approach may not be for everyone, but the authors share advice all parents can use, such as how to recognize the difference between rude back talk and requests for more dialogue.

• Don’t Give Me That Attitude! – 24 Rude, Selfish, Insensitive Things Kids Do and How to Stop Them, by Michele Borba, Jossey-Bass, 2004. Provides an effective, action-oriented approach to a variety of “bad attitude” behaviors in kids.

• How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, Collins, 1999. This classic book provides a step-by-step approach to help parents talk and problem-solve with their kids.