Helping Children in Times of Crisis

From "Becoming the Parent You Want to Be: A Sourcebook of Strategies for the First Five Years" Copyright © 1997 by Laura Davis and Janis Keyser. For online information about other Random House, Inc., books and authors, see website at http://www.randomhouse.com.

How you deal with children in a crisis will depend a lot on the specific circumstances,
your child's age, needs, and ability to understand. But certain basic guidelines
apply:

  • Find your own sense of optimism. In troubled times, children pick
    up on what we're feeling more than anything else. It's important that we strive
    to find a way to affirm life for them, even if we can't yet do it for ourselves.
  • Get as much practical help as you can. Physical support, like help
    with moving or meals, can make a difference in a time of crisis. Help, in
    all its forms, can free your energies to be with your children, to reassure
    and explain things to them. Often friends are eager -- or at least willing
    -- to help, and allowing them to do so strengthens those relationships and
    builds community.
  • Listen to your child's feelings. Children often have feelings in
    response to changes they can't control. It's outside your power to make everything better, but you can give your children the priceless gift of listening.
  • Give your child the necessary information in simple, positive terms.
    It is important to give your child information about what's happening. Include
    possible positive outcomes, as well as difficult information, whenever you
    can: "I've just lost my job and I'm worried about it. It may take a while
    for me to find a new job, but I'll figure it out." Or, "Since Mommy
    moved out, things have been kind of hard around here. I've been more grumpy and I know that's rough on you sometimes. It's going to take some time, but we'll figure out how to make things work."
  • Tailor your explanations to your child's age and ability to understand.
    Children can be confused by elaborate explanations they can't comprehend.
    Janis explains: "When our friend Wilbur died, Maya was three and I knew
    she didn't have enough of a concept of time to understand the permanence of death. Yet I wanted to explain to her that Wilbur had died. So I tried to
    make my explanation as concrete as I could. I told her, 'Wilbur's body doesn't work anymore. He doesn't walk. He can't eat. He can't give hugs. He can't  visit us. He can't talk on the phone.' And she asked, 'Why are we going to the funeral?' I answered, 'We're going to the funeral to say good-bye to Wilbur.' And she said, 'But, Mom, you said he can't talk!'"

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