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Family Man™:Taming the Hulk Within
On this particular weekday morning, it’s my turn to take Benjamin to kindergarten. I awake upset because I hit the snooze button one too many times. As I stumble toward the bathroom, my wife, Wendy, half-consciously warns, “He’ll get upset if you’re late.” She falls back asleep.
MsoNormal>In the shower, I go from spousal pressure to water pressure as Herbal Essence floods my eyeball. Then my son startles me to ask, “Can I watch The Sav-Ums?”
MsoNormal>I compose myself to answer, “Go turn it on.”
MsoNormal>He whimpers, “I’m too tired to do it alone.”
MsoNormal>I get out of the shower and escort Benjamin to the den for his favorite show on The Learning Channel.
MsoNormal>In my wet feet, I strain a groin as I dash to the boys’ bedroom to collect Benjamin’s outfit, taking pains to not wake Jacob. I dump off the attire and pull on my own getup with 10 minutes to spare.
MsoNormal>Out in the den, I urge Benjamin to dress. He doesn’t hear me. He doesn’t hear anything when the tube’s flickering. Maintaining my blood pressure, I push the clothes into his lap and he absently puts them on.
MsoNormal>“I’ll get you some cereal-in-a-baggie,” I say to the child too busy laughing at the claymation heroes.
MsoNormal>I enter the kitchen, where my cats whine frantically for food. Then I hear Jacob calling from the crib. As soon as I reach him, his face screws up as if he’s seeing his worst enemy.
MsoNormal>“I – want – MOMMY!” he wails.
MsoNormal>With my toddler screaming, I place him with his brother. As I turn my back, Jacob scrambles for the master bedroom. Valiantly trying to prevent his breach of Wendy’s fortress of extra sleep, I scoop him up … too late.
MsoNormal>“What are you doing to him?” she says, scowling at me like I’m her worst enemy. Fortunately, the nasty reply stays in my head as I look to Benjamin.
MsoNormal>In the shower, I go from spousal pressure to water pressure as Herbal Essence floods my eyeball. Then my son startles me to ask, “Can I watch The Sav-Ums?”
MsoNormal>I compose myself to answer, “Go turn it on.”
MsoNormal>He whimpers, “I’m too tired to do it alone.”
MsoNormal>I get out of the shower and escort Benjamin to the den for his favorite show on The Learning Channel.
MsoNormal>In my wet feet, I strain a groin as I dash to the boys’ bedroom to collect Benjamin’s outfit, taking pains to not wake Jacob. I dump off the attire and pull on my own getup with 10 minutes to spare.
MsoNormal>Out in the den, I urge Benjamin to dress. He doesn’t hear me. He doesn’t hear anything when the tube’s flickering. Maintaining my blood pressure, I push the clothes into his lap and he absently puts them on.
MsoNormal>“I’ll get you some cereal-in-a-baggie,” I say to the child too busy laughing at the claymation heroes.
MsoNormal>I enter the kitchen, where my cats whine frantically for food. Then I hear Jacob calling from the crib. As soon as I reach him, his face screws up as if he’s seeing his worst enemy.
MsoNormal>“I – want – MOMMY!” he wails.
MsoNormal>With my toddler screaming, I place him with his brother. As I turn my back, Jacob scrambles for the master bedroom. Valiantly trying to prevent his breach of Wendy’s fortress of extra sleep, I scoop him up … too late.
MsoNormal>“What are you doing to him?” she says, scowling at me like I’m her worst enemy. Fortunately, the nasty reply stays in my head as I look to Benjamin.
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