Family Man®: Odd Man In

By Gregory Keer

Eyeing the clock, which shouts “You’re gonna be late for school,” I shepherd my 5-year-old to the toilet.

“I can’t do it,” Jacob whimpers.

“Relax,” I tell him, using a voice so strained a Zen master would feel nervous.

My 8-year-old, Benjamin, runs in, nudges Jacob aside and takes a leak, putting even more pressure on my middle child.

After Benjamin skeedaddles, I cheer Jacob on: “Let’s go pee!” Then little naked Ari pads into the bathroom. I assume he’s there as a spectator so I forget about him.

“Go pee! Go pee! Go pee!” I chant and – sure enough – pee fountains out. Warmth bathes my foot. Giggling wafts to my ears.

“Ari!” I shout as my toddler showers my shoe with a firefighter’s gusto.

Feeling the wetness reach my socks, my frustration melts into laughter. I turn from Jacob, who finally tinkles (in the proper receptacle), and kiss Ari’s proud face. The way my littlest child sees it, anything the big boys can do, he can do better.