Co-Parenting: How Separated Parents Can Make It Work

How to Co-Parent Successfully

There are three basic steps for co-parenting success:
1. Talk to your children about the divorce together. Break the news together. Talking about why you are breaking up sets the tone for your entire co-parenting relationship. It lets your children know that you are still parents together and will continue to work as a unit. Only give general reasons for the split, such as, "Mom and Dad are fighting a lot and need a break" or "We've decided we don't want to be married anymore." Be sure to emphasize that the breakup is not your children's fault.

If you aren't comfortable talking to your kids together, seek help from a therapist who can assist you with this. It's that important.

2. Respect each other as parents. You're likely to have a lot of bad feelings toward your former partner, but you need to separate your parenting from those feelings. Your goal is to create a good life for your children, and you can best do that by parenting together in a respectful, cooperative manner.

3. Be flexible. Yes, you each have a schedule regarding seeing and caring for your children, but you need to be flexible with each other. Today, the other parent may ask for a change; tomorrow, it could be you who's running late, has an unexpected business trip or wants to take your children to a special event on a day you aren't scheduled for. Cut each other some slack. Try to approach your time-sharing on a monthly basis. Don't get upset if you have three hours less with your kids this week than you're supposed to. Things tend to even out over the course of a month.
Trends in Co-Parenting Agreements

Co-parenting agreements have become increasingly more specific over the years. For some families, they are pages and pages long. One family I worked with created a lengthy document that specified each parent's responsibilities to the finest details - bedtimes, types of meals appropriate for the child, even who was responsible for specific portions of the child's laundry. The problem with these very detailed agreements is that they don't leave a lot of room for flexibility. They also need to be re-drafted as a child ages and has different needs.

On the plus side, one of the biggest changes in co-parenting agreements in recent years is the wording. "Custody" and "visitation" are being replaced with more family-friendly terms, such as "parenting time," "parenting schedules," "parenting plans" or, simply, "agreements." These are words that everyone can relate to, and these terms don't degrade the parent who has the least amount of time with the kids.

Meanwhile, more divorced parents are recognizing that their time with the kids really belongs to the children, not to mom or dad. Parents are learning not to refer to "my time" or "my days" - another example of how co-parenting presents a more united front in child rearing.

Brette Sember is a former family law attorney and mediator. She is the author of numerous books on divorce and child custody, including The Divorce Organizer & Planner, No-Fight Divorce and How to Parent with Your Ex.


 

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