Beyond Time-Out

Has your child ever called you "stupid," told you to "shut up," or insisted on "just one more game" before turning off the Wii and hitting the books? Child psychologist Dr. Beth Grosshans says children’s troubling behaviors – from unruliness to anxiety – are often a result of how much power parents have turned over to them.

Restoring the Balance of Family Power In Your Home

In her book Beyond Time-Out, Dr. Grosshans shows why power and authority are as essential as love and good intentions to effective parenting. Unfortunately, most parents have the loving down, but not the leading, creating an imbalance of family power (IFP). When a child asserts himself with"No, I don’t want to" (opposition), or"No, I am afraid to" (anxiety), too often the child’s protest prevails.

When this happens, the better judgment and leadership of the parent is lost, the child assumes more power than the parent, and IFP takes root.

The following excerpt offers tools for countering verbal opposition and leading children to more controlled, respectful and cooperative behavior.

Refusals

“No!" "You can’t make me!" "I’m not going to." "You’re not the boss of me!" There’s nothing subtle here.

These straightforward, direct refusals to a parent’s authority are your child saying, "Oh, yeah? You think you have influence over me? Well, you don’t. I’m the one with the power to say how things will go and what I will and won’t do. So there!" If your child has stepped too far over the line and is quite rude to you, then clear, decisive action is required.

In a firm, disapproving (but not angry) voice, say: "Excuse me? What did I just hear you say? You may not refuse to cooperate, nor may you speak to me in such a disrespectful way. Come with me, you are going to spend some time in your room." Parents, that’s all the talking there should be. Now act quickly. Get your child to his room, and don’t say anything further while you are escorting him there. You can expect your little one to say a lot to you as you steer him along, but hold your tongue and don’t take the bait.