If you are one of the thousands of women who must spend the last weeks, even months, of pregnancy on bedrest, time can stand painfully still. Here are some tips to get you through the waiting.
[article continues below video]
One Texas hospital has found a way to make bedrest a little more pleasant.
A few days ago, as my daughter and I were sitting in the front seat of the car, waiting for the light to turn green, a young woman with a sweet face and an enormous belly crossed the street in front of us.
"Mom, did you look like that when you were pregnant with me?"
Well, yes, I had. But in fact, although my belly was, of course, huge, I never walked around like that when I was pregnant. I, along with an increasing number of pregnant women each year, spent a good part of my pregnancy lying down.
According to Sidelines, a nonprofit group offering support for women during high-risk pregnancies, one in four pregnant women in the United States will experience complications. These can include premature labor, high blood pressure, cervical changes, vaginal bleeding, poor fetal development, placenta complications and gestational diabetes. For many of these women, doctors will prescribe bedrest. This can mean anything from an hour a day spent on the couch to complete bedrest with no bathroom privileges.
My own complication was preterm labor, with no known cause. This is not unusual; sometimes contractions just start too early, for no known reason. In order to calm the contractions, I was ordered to go home and lie down for the duration of the pregnancy.
No matter what the reason, bedrest can be a stressful time for the new mom-to-be as well as for the spouse and other children. During my first pregnancy, I thought spending five weeks on the couch was an incredible feat.
Then, with my second pregnancy I spent four months on bedrest. Perhaps unwittingly, I became an expert on surviving this difficult time.
So, if you are one of the "chosen ones," one of those who "get" to lie around for a few weeks or months, how do you survive? And if someone you know has been put on bedrest, just how can you help? Here are some tips:
If you are the mom …
View this as your job. One day I was teaching a classroom full of fourth-graders, the next day I was lying in a hospital bed. Leaving an active, demanding job to lie down for a few months was one of the most difficult things I will ever have to do. But once I viewed this as my "job," essentially growing a baby, it became less difficult. You may have just left the executive suite; you may have just finished your last shift at the restaurant. No matter, your outside job is over for now. Your job now is to lie still and let your baby grow.
Let yourself rest. Once I was put on bedrest, I thought I needed to keep up the same frenetic pace I always had, only lying down. I wanted to catch up on all the books that had been piling up on my bedside table. Problem was, I found that 20 pages into a book, I fell asleep. Then I tried working on my computer, but it was way too cumbersome for me to handle lying down. I had to give up on my list of things I "should do." So, if you can't get to those things that you've always been meaning to do (putting all the pictures in scrapbooks, organizing your recipes), don't beat yourself up. Let this be a time of rest.
Get - and accept - help. Call your sister, call your mom, expect more from your partner. I found that people want to help, especially if you give them something specific to do. Ask your partner or your mother to delegate the jobs, since you most likely cannot do it from your bed. Call the friends that you know will be most helpful to you. Say "yes" when they offer to cook, to shop, to walk the dog.
Set up a comfortable place. One of the most helpful things my husband and sister did was to create a little "bedrest nest" for me. On some makeshift shelves by my bedside they set up the telephone, along with my directory, the radio, the TV remote control, magazines, a snack and my water bottle. Have everything there at hand so that you can feel comfortable, and so that your caregivers can feel comfortable if they need to leave you!
Set up a schedule for yourself. Pretend this is your new work day. I found that if I planned my day ahead of time - that is, what time I watched a certain TV program, listened to a radio show, and phoned a friend - my day went by a lot faster. It was predictable, and I felt a lot less anxious.
Rent movies. Now is the time to watch all those movies you've been wanting to see. Have a friend take your list to the movie store, or order the movies from a company like Netflix (www.netflix.com) and have them mailed to you.
Make yourself presentable. Being on bedrest does not mean you are sick. I found that brushing my teeth, combing my hair and putting on a clean shirt lifted my spirits, and helped me start the day with a positive attitude.
Words of Wisdom
Take comfort from the recollections and advice of other moms who have been there - and survived:
"I mainly survived by listening to music - a lot of Aretha Franklin, as I recall - and talking on the phone." - Kay Bolden, mother of Karyn, age 18
"I had a lot of friends who took turns helping out. Each one took a day and spent it with me." - Jes Ferguson, mother of Casey, age 18
"My mom would come and sit in the rocking chair and talk to me when she had a spare minute. It was nice to have her there." - Brenda Nicholson, mother of Rebel, age 11
"Make sure you have a doctor that will help you stay positive. And surround yourself with positive people. Moms on bedrest need a good, positive support system." - Christina Lorenzen, mother of Kaitlyn, age 11
"I had a laptop and my husband set up long cords for me so I could have it in the bed. I 'socialized' by playing card games with other people online. It's hard to type and play cards while lying on your left side, but I managed, and being around 'virtual friends' saved me." - Joshilyn Jackson, mother of Sam, age 8
"I know several moms who have been on bedrest who swear by getting dressed in the morning. Nothing fancy, of course, but many women find it helpful to put on some comfortable clothes during the day and wear their pajamas only at night." - Jennifer Dawn Hans, mother of Ellie, 4, and 2-year-old twins Lauren and Kate
"In our fast-paced American lifestyle, the uninitiated may think of pregnancy bedrest as leisure time, a delicious break from the world, time to slow down and pursue relaxing activities. But the truth, especially for long-term bedrest, is far from that. Those of us who have survived it are all the more grateful for whatever support we receive." - Sheyna Galyan, mother of Yoni, age 5
Ask for professionals to come to you. My hair stylist was willing to come to my house to give me a very much needed, very quick haircut. Massage therapists are willing to come to your house, as are ministers, manicurists and decorators. Counselors are often willing to talk to you on the phone. All you need to do is ask.
Get childcare. Even though I was no longer working, we continued to send my daughter to her daycare. You absolutely cannot take care of children when you are on bedrest. It is not fair to you; it is not fair to the child. If your child is not already in daycare, find some kind of childcare arrangement, perhaps a local daycare, a preschool or even a neighbor who is willing to baby-sit.
Look up www.Sidelines.org. This is the Web site of the Sidelines National Support Network. There you can order a copy of their magazine along with books that offer support and information to women on bedrest. In addition, there are numerous articles on high-risk pregnancy. This site will also "match" you with a volunteer, someone who has previously experienced a similar pregnancy complication. Depending on which you choose, your volunteer will support you throughout the remainder of your pregnancy through email messages or by calling you on the phone.
Go ahead and feel sad. Of course, this is not how you wanted your pregnancy to go. It's disappointing to have your baby shower postponed, to not be able to shop for those baby clothes. Let yourself cry, let yourself be angry. After a while you'll start to accept that this is just another way to do pregnancy. It's not one you prefer, but it's what your baby requires.
If you are the support …
Don't say to the mother on bedrest, "I wish I had the chance to lie around all day." Everyone tells her that. You may think that you would love the opportunity to lie in bed for days, but you don't know what it's like. To have your freedom taken away, your ability to walk, to cook, to work, is a very difficult thing.
Call and ask how she's doing. Call once a day and tell her what is going on out there. Moms on bedrest can feel really isolated from the world.
Call and ask if she would like a visit. Bring over a simple lunch for the two of you during your lunch break.
Set up a meal schedule. Get friends, family and coworkers to cook dinner for the family. It is impossible for the partner to work all day, take care of older kids and tend to the expectant mom. Having a regular evening meal that you can count on is a godsend.
Set up a childcare schedule. Find childcare for the older children. Do not expect the bedridden mom to take care of kids. She cannot.
Make plans for the baby shower. Chances are the baby shower has been cancelled, which is a great source of sadness for the mom. In my case, my shower was postponed until after I had given birth to my daughter. When I was pregnant with my son, we had a "bedside shower." Either choice works; ask the mom what she would like.
Go shopping for the nursery. I was put on bedrest the week before I was going to decorate the nursery. My sister stepped in. She was careful to ask me exactly what I was hoping for. She put off purchasing the things that I wanted to pick out myself. She came home from stores with two or three choices, let me pick what I liked, and then returned the rejected items.
Give them projects to do. My friend taught me how to do cross stitch. I had never done it, and haven't done it since, but it was wonderful having an easy project I could turn to every day.
Be patient. Being on bedrest can be one of the most difficult times in a family's life. But with a little patience and a lot of support, you and your family can get through this. And soon you'll be holding that precious healthy baby in your arms, and it will all feel worthwhile.
Martha Wegner is a freelance writer and frequent contributor to parenting publications across the country.
