Ages & Stages: Hit, Bite or Shove!

Why Some Kids Lash Out, and What to Do About It

By Lisa Kosan

At a birthday party this past spring, 3-year-old Nora tried to push her cousin Jack off the backyard swing set.

"Maybe she was upset because it was her sister's birthday party and she wasn't getting enough attention," says Nora's mom, an embarrassed Carolyn Devitt. "When Jack and I walked over to talk to her, she looked very guilty and started crying. Then she said she was sorry."

Like other children angered over a situation that didn't go their way, Nora turned her frustration into a shove. Just like yelling, stomping feet or grabbing toys, hitting or shoving other kids or caregivers generally isn't the result of rational or deliberate thinking. (What's rational at this age anyway?) Tiny fingers might curl into a fist if a game is lost, if cookies aren't shared or if bedtime seems to come too soon. Sometimes a child will become aggressive if he or she didn't get a good breakfast, is tired or isn't feeling well. Just as it is with adults, when kids are irritable it's harder for them to control themselves.

"To be human is to occasionally become angry and frustrated," says W. George Scarlett, Ph.D., the author of numerous books on child play and problem behavior and an assistant professor of child development at Tufts University. "To develop into maturity is to learn good ways to deal with one's anger and frustrations. But none of us does that on our own."

Children may hit if they've seen someone else get away with it or if they have a very low impulse control, says education consultant Michele Borba, Ed.D., author of No More Misbehavin'. "Some little critters just don't have that inner regulatory system yet," she says. "They will continue to hit if you don't stop it. We forget that aggression can very easily become a habit, just like whining and talking back."