Admitting Our Mistakes to Our Teens

By Heidi Smith Luedtke

Why It’s Hard, and How to Do It

Parents aren’t perfect – we make mistakes. When our kids are small, they quickly dismiss our blunders, convinced of our superhero status. They write essays titled, “My Mom’s the BEST!” They shout, “My dad’s stronger than your dad” on the playground. We can do no wrong.

But the teen years take down superhero parents like kryptonite. Suddenly, we’re held to account for every slip-up, bad decision and character flaw – it seems that we can do no right.

To Err Is Human Nature – To Point It Out Is Teen Nature

If good intentions were enough, parenting would be easy. But noble intentions don’t prevent parents from making mistakes that belittle, betray and alienate teens. We yell when they bring the car home late (again). We search their rooms or read their text messages because we worry about whom they hang out with. We tune out and push harder when they say they’re flunking advanced math, because we believe they can do better.

The adolescent’s world "is rich in insight and complex connections; it’s also full of ambiguity and mixed messages," explains Michael Riera, Ph.D., head of school at Redwood Day School in Oakland, Calif., and author of Staying Connected to Your Teenager: How to Keep Them Talking to You and How to Hear What They’re Really Saying (Perseus, 2003). Teens struggle for clarity amid confusion, and their growing cognitive skills make them especially good error detectors. With lightning speed and laser-like precision, teens spot the difference between what parents say and what we do – and they point it out.

Don’t worry – your teenager isn’t out to get you. She’s just showing you she’s a perceptive thinker, willing to argue until she’s blue to defend her beliefs. It’s a good thing. Really.

Messing Up Is Easy – ’Fessing Up Is Hard

Admitting mistakes isn’t easy. Parents are likely to deny, rationalize and justify what went wrong for several reasons, says Carol Tavris, Ph.D., social psychologist and co-author of Mistakes Were Made (But Not By Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts (Harcourt, 2007).