7 Pitfalls of Co-Parenting and How to Overcome Them

4. Scheduling Snafus

No parenting schedule is written in stone. On occasion, you and your ex will end up making adjustments for each other’s lives. While it’s important to be flexible, sometimes one or both of you can lose track of what you’ve actually agreed to. Some parents institute a rule that they must make schedule changes in writing (or by email) and that requests must be made a week or three days in advance (except for emergencies). Print out a calendar with the changes you’ve agreed to, so you’re both clear on what is happening when. Make sure you let your child know about any changes – he deserves to know in advance what his life will be like too.

Of course, there may be times when the two of you can’t agree on a change. In this case, determine exactly why one parent is requesting the change and why the other will not agree to it. Refusing to agree just to be stubborn is a bit different than refusing to agree because that day is the mother-daughter luncheon at your church and you plan to attend with your child. In general, try to give preference to the parent with the most important event. A mother-daughter luncheon, for example, would take priority over wanting to take the child to the opening of a new movie.

If you simply can’t reach an agreement about a change, go with your original schedule. That is your fallback, but compromise as often as possible. You could, for example, agree that Mom will take the daughter to the luncheon and Dad will get the rest of the afternoon to go to the movie.

5. The Big L … Laundry!

Strangely enough, laundry is one of the biggest conflicts faced by parents who live apart. I once was a law guardian on a Family Court case involving two parents, Doug and Tammy, and laundry was one of their biggest complaints. Doug had residential custody and his new wife was very angry that when the kids returned from stays at Tammy’s house, none of the clothing they took with them was clean. Doug felt that this created extra work for his wife. But since Tammy was not the residential parent, she didn’t think she should have any responsibility for the kids’ laundry.

In many cases, it makes sense for parents to agree that they’ll each be responsible for the laundry the child creates while at their respective homes. However, when one of you has a washer and dryer while the other has to head to the laundromat, this would not make sense. A simpler solution may be for the nonresidential parent to simply keep some clothing at his or her house and wash what has been worn each week.

6. Late for a Very Important Date

A major pet peeve of some parents is that the other parent is always late – for pick-ups and for drop-offs. If this is a problem, discuss it with the other parent and explain how this not only inconveniences you, but it is also difficult for your child, who anxiously waits each time. Establish a rule that either parent will call if he or she is going to be more than 15 minutes late. Some parents get angry and want to force the late parent to forfeit his visitation if he is late, but all this does is punish the child, who loses out on time with that parent.

7. When Visitation Involves a Babysitter

It can be disconcerting to send your child off for a weekend with her father, only to find out that she spent much of that time with a sitter. While there are times when things come up unexpectedly, in general, the schedule should be designed to maximize time with each parent.

Agree to give each other the first right of refusal for baby-sitting. It may also make sense to arrange for the child to be cared for by a grandparent if neither parent is available. The point is that parenting time is meant to be used by parents and whatever you can do to maximize this will benefit your child.;

Brette Sember is a former family law attorney and mediator. She is the author of numerous books on divorce and child custody, including The Divorce Organizer & Planner, No-Fight Divorce and How to Parent with Your Ex.