10 Talents of Parenting: Reaching Out for Support

Reaching Out for Support

By Lawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D.

Do you get enough support? No? I didn't think so! Most parents don't. We may refuse to admit to ourselves that we even need it, or we may know we need it, but are embarrassed to ask for it. We might not believe we deserve any help, or we might feel there's nobody out there willing or able to support us.

Another obstacle to reaching out is all the "helpful" advice and "constructive" criticism we receive from friends and relatives. This type of help can make us feel like we are better off handling everything alone, no matter how hard that is. We may have forgotten what true support feels like. But don't give up. Keep looking and you'll find someone who recognizes that you are doing your best, who enjoys your children just as they are, and who can listen to you without judging you.

Support can come in unexpected ways. I remember one day, back when my daughter was 3 or 4, we were having a big argument. I don't remember what it was about, but I do remember that she kept yelling at me to leave her room. Each time I started to leave, though, she would grab my leg and scream for me to stay. We were both extremely frustrated.

I thought about calling my friend Kris to complain. She had a son about the same age as Emma, and we often had good conversations about tricky parenting situations. So I started to leave Emma's room again, and she grabbed me again. This time, I said, "I'm going to call Kris." She let go of my leg, pushed me out the door, and said, "You go call Kris."

By the time Kris answered the phone I had forgotten our fight because I was laughing so hard at the fact that Emma knew perfectly well what the situation needed - for me to collect some support, to get a little "fresh air" from someone not caught up in the immediate battle we were having. After that phone call, Emma and I had no trouble reconnecting.

It's still hard to reach out though. We all have things we're embarrassed to admit. Some parents really need a break, but they don't want anyone to see how messy their house is. If that rings a bell, check out the strange and wonderful Web site FlyLady.org. The Fly Lady's name comes from the phrase First Love Yourself, and she helps people with CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome) and other homemaking dilemmas. Once you're over that hurdle, you'll be more able to reach out for the support you need.