10 Talents of Parenting: Finding Emotional Balance

Finding Emotional Balance

Finding emotional balance is hard when we are filled with our own anger, frustration, anxiety or resentment. These feelings knock us off balance, and parenting is already challenging enough when we aren't wobbling - or falling all the way over!

By Lawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D.

Have you noticed the language that we parents use when things are not going well with our kids? We say they are "bouncing off the walls," "having meltdowns" or "falling apart." We describe ourselves as being "at the end of my rope," "about to explode" or "losing it."

Nevertheless, right now as you read this article, a parent somewhere nearby is taking a deep breath (or counting to 10) before reacting to his or her child's outrageous behavior. A mom catches herself before yelling or hitting, telling herself that she's just stressed about work and doesn't need to take it out on the kids. A dad tries something different than the way he was raised, saying "tell me all about it" when his son is overflowing with tears or anger. A couple recognizes that when their daughter says, "I hate you both," it really means that she is scared and lonely, and they offer comfort instead of punishment.

These examples of emotional balance seem simple, but they are awfully hard when we are filled with our own anger, frustration, anxiety or resentment. These feelings knock us off balance, and parenting is already challenging enough when we aren't wobbling - or falling all the way over!

When we are off-balance we react emotionally, and our reactions often have more to do with our own childhood than with our children. When someone steps on your toe it's aggravating, but if you happen to have a broken toe, it is excruciating. Our unfinished feelings from our own past are like the broken toe, and our child's behavior is like the accidental stomp (OK, sometimes it isn't exactly accidental).

Shelley was a client of mine who always found herself yelling at her kids when they wouldn't do their chores or settle down to do homework. She knew the yelling only made things worse, but she couldn't seem to stop - always a sure sign that there's something deeper going on. Shelley remembered her mother's passion for yelling, and her own fearfulness from being yelled at. As a child, she got the message to do everything her mother asked her to do, "or else."