Beyond Sibling Rivalry

Understanding the Dynamics of Your Children's Relationship

For many people, the sibling bond is complex, fraught with both deep love and intense conflict. No one else understands you in quite the same way. Who else understands what you mean when you talk about the way Dad looked when he was angry or the time the family trip started out with a flat tire on the highway or what it felt like to celebrate Thanksgiving together?

By Marjorie Howard

"Certainly there are times when kids feel rivalry or feel a sibling is interfering with their goals. The term 'sibling relationships' opens the door to more positive knowledge, but sibling rivalry grabs people's attention." - Laurie Kramer (Sibling relationship researcher)

Parents combine good intentions with genuine apprehension when they consider bringing a second or subsequent child into the family. They often say they want their children to be lifelong friends and companions, and yet they know from experience - their own or someone else's - how hard it can be for siblings to get along.

The longest relationship most people have in their lives is with their brothers and sisters. For many people, the sibling bond is complex, fraught with both deep love and intense conflict. No one else understands you in quite the same way. Who else understands what you mean when you talk about the way Dad looked when he was angry or the time the family trip started out with a flat tire on the highway or what it felt like to celebrate Thanksgiving together?

And while frequent conflict within sibling relationships may be a near-universal characteristic, little research has been conducted about sibling dynamics. Susan McHale, a professor of human development at Penn State University, has researched and written extensively on family relationships. She says sibling relationships are a central phenomenon in families.

"Often what parents are told is as if nobody else is around: Here's how you treat your child if you want her to be smart, bonded, happy," McHale says. "There is no sense that someone else is watching the whole thing. Yet every time you do something with one of your kids, it has implications for how the other child feels and thinks and understands."