7 Pitfalls of Co-Parenting and How to Overcome Them

Every year, 1 million U.S. kids become children of divorce. In settling custody issues, their parents are likely to create co-parenting agreements – committing to working together to raise their kids. But co-parenting has its challenges. In this third part of our series on co-parenting, we look at some common obstacles and how to overcome them.

By Brette Sember

Even after being separated or divorced for years, there are common problems that many co-parenting couples face. Whether these are big or small, the key is to find a reasonable way to work through the problems and continue to cooperate. Here’s a rundown of the common pitfalls and what to do about them:

1. Using Children for Reconciliation

Because your children are at the center of your relationship with each other, some parents end up using their kids as an excuse for things. Sometimes, this means using a child as a vehicle to try to rekindle the relationship. If you find that your ex is doing this, have a conversation (away from the children) and lay it on the line. If you’re not interested in reconciling, be blunt and make it clear (without causing overt hurt feelings). Tell the other parent that you value his or her friendship and want to continue to parent together, but that you’ve moved on. Spending time together as a family is fine, but it cannot – and will not – be a courtship

2. Using Children as Messengers

One of the most common mistakes that separated or divorced parents make is to expect their kids to carry messages to the other parent. Sometimes these can seem harmless: “Tell Mom I’ll be half an hour late picking you up.” But it’s easy for mild messages to evolve into much more emotional jabs, such as, “You tell him if he doesn’t send that check he’ll never have visitation again.”

The best policy is to make it a rule to never use your child as a go-between. Even asking a child to carry a sealed envelope to the other parent is dangerous. The child witnesses the receiving parent’s reaction to whatever the message is. Often the child absorbs the anger or hurt expressed by the parent and misinterprets it as being directed at the child. Be responsible for your own communication with the other parent.

3. When a Child Leaves Something Behind

Any parent who shuttles a child back and forth to the other parent knows how frustrating it is when the child leaves something important behind. Whether it’s a beloved stuffed animal, homework or a cell phone, keeping track of your child’s stuff can feel like a full-time job.

When transporting an infant or toddler, create a checklist of important items that must go back and forth. Designate a bag to keep it all in. Encourage the nonresidential parent to get duplicates for everyday items like clothes, bottles, pacifiers and so on. School-age children need help remembering what to bring along. Before leaving home or your ex’s driveway, run through the list of important things to be sure that your child has them all. Teens should be encouraged to keep track of their own items.

Despite careful planning, things do get left behind. Although it might seem sensible to create a rule, such as “whoever’s house the stuff was left at has to transport it,” that may not work. The other parent might be at work and your child is at school desperate to get her homework before the bell rings. Try to work through these problems as cooperatively as possible. Encourage your child to get in the habit of double-checking to be sure that everything has been packed